Today was a fun.
Yoga in the morning, followed by lunch with a good friend (and some shopping--I <3 a="" at="" clearance="" date="" day="" ended="" hen="" hh.="" home.="" nbsp="" nd="" p="" productive="" some="" stuff="" the="" we="" with="">
We were planning on getting a new suit for him, something I've been trying to get him to do for years, but we had a very last minute change of plans. And on a whim, we ended up going to see a movie after a yummy dinner at Macaroni Grill. It was "Warm Bodies". Totally dumb, but very funny (unfortunately, with some bad language).
Kind of a random date for us, but it was really nice to get out and spend some time together. I'm feeling a lot better. I think I'm on my way out of this funk.
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Friday, February 8, 2013
Day 1114: Begin At The Beginning
Well, I did it. I started things over. Which basically meant reading my journal from the beginning. And I actually didn't get that far in yet.
I write a lot in my journal.
I know, that's really surprising, huh?
But, I learned (re-learned) a lot. I was surprised at how many insights I'd already forgotten just since last November. And it was good. It helped and I'm feeling much better.
Tonight was Date Night. Not our typical date night. This one involved the kids. HH and Sweet P went to the annual Daddy Daughter Dance and the boys and I stayed home, made beignets, and watched a movie ("Flubber") in our pj's.
It was a lot of fun. Especially when the boys were giggly about the silly parts of the movie. I love hearing their laughter. It was a late night for the kids though. As evidenced by Baby B's comment about 3/4ths of the way through the movie, "When are we going to go upstairs and go to bed?" I asked if he wanted to, but he said 'no'. He kept laying his head down on the couch and then popping back up. I think he was really tired, but didn't want to miss out.
Cutie Patootie Pie.
I write a lot in my journal.
I know, that's really surprising, huh?
But, I learned (re-learned) a lot. I was surprised at how many insights I'd already forgotten just since last November. And it was good. It helped and I'm feeling much better.
Tonight was Date Night. Not our typical date night. This one involved the kids. HH and Sweet P went to the annual Daddy Daughter Dance and the boys and I stayed home, made beignets, and watched a movie ("Flubber") in our pj's.
It was a lot of fun. Especially when the boys were giggly about the silly parts of the movie. I love hearing their laughter. It was a late night for the kids though. As evidenced by Baby B's comment about 3/4ths of the way through the movie, "When are we going to go upstairs and go to bed?" I asked if he wanted to, but he said 'no'. He kept laying his head down on the couch and then popping back up. I think he was really tired, but didn't want to miss out.
Cutie Patootie Pie.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Day 1113: What Happened?
Something happened Tuesday morning. I'm really not sure what. I've been feeling a bit on edge lately and HH and I had a phone conversation that was not the best, but it still doesn't make sense. I just took a steep nose dive way down into the depression.
I've spent the last few days trying to figure out what caused it, so I can combat it and come back out of it. But, it's just not happening.
It's sad and frustrating. And yucky.
And I just want to know why! I mean, with the depression, I always seem to get sad more quickly and to a greater extent that circumstances justify, but there is always a trigger. Or, several triggers. I'm not saying my life is anywhere near perfect right now, but given how well I had been doing, I'm just stunned at how bad things are right now.
Although, they've gotten a little better since Tuesday. Which is nice, because on Tuesday I didn't feel like I could face anyone. After being so well for so long, it feels a lot harder to fake the happy face, especially with my friends.
And I feel like I know what it's going to take to get back to being well again. I feel quite strongly that I'm supposed to go back to the beginning and start the whole process over again. Read through my journal entries and re-trace my steps.
And for some reason, I'm super reluctant to do this. It feels like going backwards.
But, I guess I've already made the trip backwards and this might be the only way to move forward again.
On the upside, we had Parent Teacher Conferences tonight. First, was Little M's. Pretty much good news. Not to brag, but the kid is really smart. But, his teacher has run into the same struggle that I have been having with him lately about violin and pretty much every other challenge in his life--he doesn't want to put in the effort. So many things have come easily for him that he just doesn't even want to deal with the things that don't. So, I gave her the advice I keep giving myself: Help him connect the dots. He has big dreams. He has to see that this challenge here has to be faced in order for him to get to where he wants to go. And then I remind him that plenty of things he can do easily now were once hard. The more you practice and work at something, the easier it gets.
Reading that now, I'm seeing that that is a conversation I need to have with myself as well.
What can I say? It's good advice.
Then on to Sweet P's. Wow. Her teacher loves her. Which I'm super grateful for. She recognizes the effort Sweet P puts into every assignment. And she thinks she's wonderful. Which, of course, she is. But, she is terrified of not being wonderful and perfect and smart and all that. So, the conversation with her teacher was me expressing my concern about Sweet P's fear of failure. If she misses one word, or one answer, it's kind of crushing for her. They want to test her for the gifted program. A couple years ago, I was in shock (and a little bugged) that they hadn't done this yet. But now, I'm kind of reluctant and worried about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all concerned about how she'll score on the test. I'm just worried about what it will do to her perception of what I, her teachers, and everyone else expects from her.
And I don't want her to have the pass-or-fail issues I have.
Ever since she was tiny, she has had this insatiable thirst for learning. She wanted to know about everything. She wanted to learn her numbers and her letters, so she could use them to read and learn more. I just don't want her to get too caught up in getting the "right" answer every time, so that learning becomes stressful and not something she just loves.
All-in-all though, it was a fun evening. I'm glad there aren't any serious issues, that my kids are doing well, and that they're liked by their teachers. And I had Darling A with me who just kept giggling at random points during both meetings and melting the hearts of both teachers.
She has that effect on pretty much everyone she meets.
I've spent the last few days trying to figure out what caused it, so I can combat it and come back out of it. But, it's just not happening.
It's sad and frustrating. And yucky.
And I just want to know why! I mean, with the depression, I always seem to get sad more quickly and to a greater extent that circumstances justify, but there is always a trigger. Or, several triggers. I'm not saying my life is anywhere near perfect right now, but given how well I had been doing, I'm just stunned at how bad things are right now.
Although, they've gotten a little better since Tuesday. Which is nice, because on Tuesday I didn't feel like I could face anyone. After being so well for so long, it feels a lot harder to fake the happy face, especially with my friends.
And I feel like I know what it's going to take to get back to being well again. I feel quite strongly that I'm supposed to go back to the beginning and start the whole process over again. Read through my journal entries and re-trace my steps.
And for some reason, I'm super reluctant to do this. It feels like going backwards.
But, I guess I've already made the trip backwards and this might be the only way to move forward again.
On the upside, we had Parent Teacher Conferences tonight. First, was Little M's. Pretty much good news. Not to brag, but the kid is really smart. But, his teacher has run into the same struggle that I have been having with him lately about violin and pretty much every other challenge in his life--he doesn't want to put in the effort. So many things have come easily for him that he just doesn't even want to deal with the things that don't. So, I gave her the advice I keep giving myself: Help him connect the dots. He has big dreams. He has to see that this challenge here has to be faced in order for him to get to where he wants to go. And then I remind him that plenty of things he can do easily now were once hard. The more you practice and work at something, the easier it gets.
Reading that now, I'm seeing that that is a conversation I need to have with myself as well.
What can I say? It's good advice.
Then on to Sweet P's. Wow. Her teacher loves her. Which I'm super grateful for. She recognizes the effort Sweet P puts into every assignment. And she thinks she's wonderful. Which, of course, she is. But, she is terrified of not being wonderful and perfect and smart and all that. So, the conversation with her teacher was me expressing my concern about Sweet P's fear of failure. If she misses one word, or one answer, it's kind of crushing for her. They want to test her for the gifted program. A couple years ago, I was in shock (and a little bugged) that they hadn't done this yet. But now, I'm kind of reluctant and worried about it. Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all concerned about how she'll score on the test. I'm just worried about what it will do to her perception of what I, her teachers, and everyone else expects from her.
And I don't want her to have the pass-or-fail issues I have.
Ever since she was tiny, she has had this insatiable thirst for learning. She wanted to know about everything. She wanted to learn her numbers and her letters, so she could use them to read and learn more. I just don't want her to get too caught up in getting the "right" answer every time, so that learning becomes stressful and not something she just loves.
All-in-all though, it was a fun evening. I'm glad there aren't any serious issues, that my kids are doing well, and that they're liked by their teachers. And I had Darling A with me who just kept giggling at random points during both meetings and melting the hearts of both teachers.
She has that effect on pretty much everyone she meets.
Monday, February 4, 2013
Day 1112: That's Normal
I had another appointment this morning. It's been about a month. I was thinking I didn't need to go, but then there were the issues with stress over the weekend and I thought maybe I did need it.
The first bit was kind of weird though. I would tell him experiences I'd had and how I'd responded (in a way I didn't think was ideal) and he would say, "That's normal." "Do you know someone who wouldn't have felt that way?" and then there was the nonverbal shoulder shrug with hands in the air.
Okay, maybe I didn't need to go in.
Although, at the end, we did get to some "issues". Why I'm stressed. What I'm worried about. And a lot of it boils down to limitations.
Which is kind of funny given a couple of my recent posts.
I'm sort of an all or nothing kind of girl. I like to give 100% or 0%. And I've spent a lot of time over the past several years giving 0% to a lot of the things I would otherwise want to do because I was spending so much of my energy worrying about myself, or feeling the need to conserve my energy just in case I had a meltdown and needed it.
But now, I have more energy to do more things. And I kind of want to just jump right in (on a couple of occasions, I have), but I'm worried about taking on too much and getting overwhelmed and just winding back up where I started.
Because that sort of thing has happened before.
So, I'm supposed to make a list. And prioritize. And then start slowly. And gradually push outward on the limits.
And it's supposed to be simple.
The first bit was kind of weird though. I would tell him experiences I'd had and how I'd responded (in a way I didn't think was ideal) and he would say, "That's normal." "Do you know someone who wouldn't have felt that way?" and then there was the nonverbal shoulder shrug with hands in the air.
Okay, maybe I didn't need to go in.
Although, at the end, we did get to some "issues". Why I'm stressed. What I'm worried about. And a lot of it boils down to limitations.
Which is kind of funny given a couple of my recent posts.
I'm sort of an all or nothing kind of girl. I like to give 100% or 0%. And I've spent a lot of time over the past several years giving 0% to a lot of the things I would otherwise want to do because I was spending so much of my energy worrying about myself, or feeling the need to conserve my energy just in case I had a meltdown and needed it.
But now, I have more energy to do more things. And I kind of want to just jump right in (on a couple of occasions, I have), but I'm worried about taking on too much and getting overwhelmed and just winding back up where I started.
Because that sort of thing has happened before.
So, I'm supposed to make a list. And prioritize. And then start slowly. And gradually push outward on the limits.
And it's supposed to be simple.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Day 1111: Limited Capacity
Thank goodness we don't have an infinite capacity for everything, right? Take stress, for example. I definitely have a limit on how much of that I can handle and still function as the person I want to be.
Today I can feel that I am approaching that limit. I was snappy and irritable. And not really the person I want to be.
Not the entire day--just whenever stress hit. Normally, Sundays are not all that stressful. But, today seemed like it was.
Fortunately, I got the chance to talk to my dad when I called him for a late "Happy Birthday" wish. I tried to call him before putting the kids to bed, so they could talk to him, too. He was unavailable at the time, so they didn't get to talk to him, but they left him a super cute message. And then they were in bed by the time he called back, so I got to have a real conversation with him for once. It was really really great.
I love my dad.
Today I can feel that I am approaching that limit. I was snappy and irritable. And not really the person I want to be.
Not the entire day--just whenever stress hit. Normally, Sundays are not all that stressful. But, today seemed like it was.
Fortunately, I got the chance to talk to my dad when I called him for a late "Happy Birthday" wish. I tried to call him before putting the kids to bed, so they could talk to him, too. He was unavailable at the time, so they didn't get to talk to him, but they left him a super cute message. And then they were in bed by the time he called back, so I got to have a real conversation with him for once. It was really really great.
I love my dad.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Day 1110: Get 'Er Done
Bleh. Today was a productive day, but not the most fun.
We cleaned out the kids' toy room. Always an enormous undertaking. We didn't get rid of as much as I'd hoped, but we did find several things the kids have been missing and were pleased to be reunited with.
And then I had a mammoth shopping trip. The necessity after putting off so much while I wore the boot and then while I was so sick. Not fun, but it's good to have my stores replenished so I can cook again.
I had a bit of a frustrating experience this morning. I went to yoga. I love Saturday yoga, but haven't been in a couple months due to the aforementioned health issues. It was more than a challenge, to say the least, but I felt so great by the end. And very happy and at peace, to boot.
Then came time to gather the kids and go home (HH had church basketball, so we were on our own). First stop was for the younger two. Baby B was happily building a tower and sweetly said he wanted to finish before we left. So, I waited patiently while he stacked his blocks together. But they kept breaking apart and he'd have to start over. So, I (less patiently) helped out. They still kept falling apart. After several minutes I said, "Okay, you're just going to have to build a tower with our blocks at home. These keep breaking and we need to go."
Full. Blown. Tantrum.
It was a disaster.
Long story short--I had to drag a screaming Baby B clear across the gym, to the room where the older two were, while also carrying four coats, a diaper bag, a gym bag, and Darling A. And someone had cranked up the heater and I was SO hot!
And mad. M.A.D. Mad mad mad mad mad.
What the heck happened? I had been so zen just moments before! How did I lose it so quickly? I don't know. But, I'm frustrated with myself.
I slightly recovered a bit when I forced myself to let it go when Baby B did a complete 180 and happily chatted away about the train he could hear whistling--even though I was sorely tempted to just stay mad at him for much much much longer!
Baby Steps, I guess.
We cleaned out the kids' toy room. Always an enormous undertaking. We didn't get rid of as much as I'd hoped, but we did find several things the kids have been missing and were pleased to be reunited with.
And then I had a mammoth shopping trip. The necessity after putting off so much while I wore the boot and then while I was so sick. Not fun, but it's good to have my stores replenished so I can cook again.
I had a bit of a frustrating experience this morning. I went to yoga. I love Saturday yoga, but haven't been in a couple months due to the aforementioned health issues. It was more than a challenge, to say the least, but I felt so great by the end. And very happy and at peace, to boot.
Then came time to gather the kids and go home (HH had church basketball, so we were on our own). First stop was for the younger two. Baby B was happily building a tower and sweetly said he wanted to finish before we left. So, I waited patiently while he stacked his blocks together. But they kept breaking apart and he'd have to start over. So, I (less patiently) helped out. They still kept falling apart. After several minutes I said, "Okay, you're just going to have to build a tower with our blocks at home. These keep breaking and we need to go."
Full. Blown. Tantrum.
It was a disaster.
Long story short--I had to drag a screaming Baby B clear across the gym, to the room where the older two were, while also carrying four coats, a diaper bag, a gym bag, and Darling A. And someone had cranked up the heater and I was SO hot!
And mad. M.A.D. Mad mad mad mad mad.
What the heck happened? I had been so zen just moments before! How did I lose it so quickly? I don't know. But, I'm frustrated with myself.
I slightly recovered a bit when I forced myself to let it go when Baby B did a complete 180 and happily chatted away about the train he could hear whistling--even though I was sorely tempted to just stay mad at him for much much much longer!
Baby Steps, I guess.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Day 1109: Infinite Capacity
We had some good friends over for lunch today. It was great for me and Baby B to socialize and have some fun. Darling A had a friend, too.
But, her friend was not sure how she felt about Darling A stealing her binky. I love this pic of my beautiful friend and her sweet sweet baby, though!
I also had a bit of an epiphany this morning. No with a new concept, just a new way of thinking about it. I already tried to write it in my journal, and I wasn't totally happy with how it came out. Those of you who speak another language have probably experienced when a certain word or phrase in one language just can't be completely translated into another and maintain its full meaning. I think it's like that when we are being taught by the Spirit. We're taught in a language more pure than that with which we speak and so when it comes to putting it down into words, something is lost. But, I'll share it to the best of my ability.
I was thinking about the incredible amount of joy Darling A has brought into my life, which led to the thought that we would have missed out on so much joy if we'd never had her (because of the challenges caused by pregnancy)--like something would have been lacking in my life. But, I quickly reminded myself that that didn't feel entirely true. Before Darling A joined our family, I felt complete joy with my first three children. And from there, I jumped to the thought that we truly have an infinite capacity for joy. We can have a moment in life where our joy feels complete, but the truth is--our joy can always be increased.
The purpose of our creation was two-fold--both centered on joy. The first was to bring joy to our Creator, similar to the way our children bring us joy; and the second was so that we could have joy. And since Heavenly Father loves us infinitely, He created us with an infinite capacity to have and experience joy. With that came the infinite capacity for one other interrelated thing--growth.
There is no limit to the amount of joy and growth we are capable of experiencing. We are only held back by our own thoughts and actions, and the consequences thereof.
Life is full of challenges and obstacles that can appear to contradict what I just said, but these things "give us experience" and without them, we cannot grow, or increase our joy.
We do these things step-by-step. As I am shaking off the depression that has "held me back" for so many years, the happiness and joy I feel are so much richer because I know what it means to have sorrow. Hope feels so bright because I know the black darkness that accompanies hopelessness. And I am so grateful that I am not "stuck" here! Or, where I was 6 months ago. But, that I can learn and grow and progress.
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