Day 1055: Hooky

Is that how it's spelled?  As in, "playing hooky"?

So, last night did not go well.  To be fair, we stayed up later than we should.  HH has the good excuse of being out playing basketball.  Me?  I was watching "The Voice".  Should have been in bed sleeping.  Because, for those first few hours Darling A slept quite soundly.

Not so much later on.

So, as I sat nursing her in the early morning with HH offering to help get the kids up and ready for school, it occurred to me that it would be really nice if he just stayed home.  If he stayed home, I could go back to bed and sleep a couple more hours, he could come with me to Baby B's therapist appointment, he could watch Baby B while I met up with a friend for lunch (the last time I met this friend for lunch he threw a huge tantrum and gave her the stink eye the entire time!), we could decide which family picture to have blown up to hang on the wall, finalize the gifts we're getting for the kids for Christmas, he could get a nap himself (see, this wasn't an entirely selfish line of thought), and he'd already be home rather than having to come home early to get the kids to a rehearsal on time.

I threw the thought out to him and he readily agreed.

Score!

My morning nap didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped, but it was still nice to rest a bit while HH got the kids off to school and I did get about 30 minutes of extra sleep.  The appointment with the therapist was that much better for having both of us there to ask questions, listen, and learn.  The lunch appointment was great--the boys actually ended up just joining us.  It was with a friend who I love and really admire and haven't been able to catch up with for quite a while now, so it was nice to remedy that.  HH enjoyed a lovely nap in the afternoon, during which I had an amazing personal experience while doing my scripture study (sort of private to share, but suffice it to say, two thoughts that have always hung over my head even at the best of times are finally gone and I can honestly say I am excited and optimistic about my future finally!), then HH took the kids to their rehearsal while I...wait for it... went grocery shopping with the younger two TANTRUM-FREE!!!  It was nothing short of pure awesomeness.  Then a nice dinner with the whole family, kids to bed, Christmas gifts and photos decided on and ordered and then half of a movie with HH before we decided we were tired and headed off to bed.

I love random days off of work!

Day 1054: The Mess That Just Keeps on Messin'

The thing about kids is they can take a mess and manage to just somehow spread it everywhere.  Everywhere.  Ev-er-y-where.  Eeeeeevvvvvrywhere.

Be it toothpaste or doggie doo.

We maybe had issues with both of those today.

It was pure awesomeness.

Add in a 30+ minute full on screaming tantrum and a massive blowout.

But, guess what?  I'm doing fine.  I'm not feeling like I've been picked on, or my life is too difficult to manage, or that I don't want to get out of bed tomorrow, or that it just isn't worth it, or anything like that.

I'm laughing about it.  And proud of myself for being okay.

There were some fun moments with each of the kids in between all of that, too.  And the math homework was not nearly so emotional today.

And some laughs with my HH about the beautiful craziness that is our life.  And we're getting close to having all (most) of the Christmas gift madness decided on.

Day 1053: Can't Wait To Go To Bed!

I don't care what age you are, there is just something magical about a Christmas tree lit up at night.  Isn't it pretty?

Last night did not go well.  Poor Darling A has outgrown her swaddle blanket and so, we went cold turkey without it.  We all woke up pretty tired.

As I said my morning prayer, I prayed for a little extra help in getting through today.  I struggled yesterday and wasn't as tired as I was today.  So, I was more than a little concerned about getting overwhelmed.  Especially because I had a pretty hectic morning.  The crazy morning rush getting the kids to school, squeeze in a quick workout, hurry home to meet the delivery guys with our new mattress (the old-new one was too firm, so they let us swap out for a newer, better mattress), then get ready for a few more toddlers to join us for the morning, entertain said toddlers while trying to get a poor exhausted Darling A down for a nap, and carry on.

So, I was worried.  And then it ended up not being so hard.  Certainly, things were challenging, but today was not such a struggle to look on the bright side of everything.

Except for the crying of my poor Darling A.  I hate listening to that.  It breaks my heart.  But, I was able to make the most of the time while she was out of bed with lots of extra snuggles and smooches.

Speaking of smooches, Baby B got quite affectionate just before bed tonight and was very kissy.  He usually hates kisses, so I'm not complaining about this.

And now, I'm eager to go meet my new bed.  At least I'll be comfy while I listen to those heart wrenching cries from my little baby.

Day 1052: Buddies

This morning Baby B was leaning over the changing table while I got Darling A ready.  He was wearing his new penguin hat and being a bit wild with his movements.  This makes me nervous, but Darling A wasn't concerned in the least.  She thought he was hilarious and could not stop laughing at him.

And then again just before bed, both boys had her in full on hysterics.  It was so fun to listen to.  I mean, what is better than a baby giggle?  Seriously.

And my day was sandwiched in between baby giggles.

I took the kids to the children's museum today because they got out of school early.  Not something I normally would have done because it makes the rest of the day (especially the day of piano lessons) that much busier and hectic.  But, I told myself to imagine everything with the best possible outcome, rather than the worst and to just go.

So, we did.  And we had a good time.

But, things were completely chaotic when we got home.  And I struggled to remain positive, calm, and in the right state of mind to parent in my ideal way.  I didn't go full swing in the other direction--I just didn't handle the situation in the best possible way either.

So, it was okay.  But, by the time dinner was over (the chaos continued--who knew learning to carry the 10's in addition could make life so stressful?), I was sort of at my breaking point.  I took a 5 minute time out.  Initially, my mind went into overdrive and I felt the overwhelming stress of my to-do list smothering me, but I was able to put it on hold.

It turns out I'm so overly tired (sleep training Darling A is getting to us), I was just struggling to challenge any of my thoughts and turn them around.  But, I knew that if I had more energy I could do it.  So, I was able to convince myself to put all of the stressful thoughts on hold for a later time when I do have the energy to challenge them and see that everything really is okay.

So, that's where I sit.  I'm hopeful that things will look better in the morning.  I'm pretty sure they will.  I just wish I was more optimistic about the amount of sleep I might get tonight...

Day 1051: To Look A Lot Like Christmas

I had another appointment this morning.

It was a little exciting.  First, after relating to him a couple of this past week's events, he joked that I should teach his next Marriage/Relationship seminar.  Nice.  And then we talked about setting goals.  Goals that, once achieved, will signal the end of my therapy.  Woohoo!

Here they are:

1.  More good days than bad days (this is the main one)

2.  Disciplining with Love more often than not

3.  Resolving conflict with HH in a considerate and productive way (we did that this past week)

4.  Becoming a better friend

Nothing that should surprise anyone who reads this, as those are things I've been striving for for a while.

Then I went home.  On the way, I began to put all sorts of details together.  The first being that those four goals fit perfectly with the quality I've been feeling ought to be my theme for the upcoming year:  Kindness.

It's no surprise to me that that all fit together perfectly.  I've been feeling a lot of that lately.

In fact, after we came home, I sat down to put some thoughts to paper in my Therapy Journal, and I began to recognize so many different experiences that prepared me to be able to apply the things I'm learning in therapy and to make rapid progress.  Way too many to detail here.  Suffice it to say it's been going on for several years.  Preparing me for all of this.

But, for a brief moment I had spiritual clarity.  And for at least a small moment, I felt like I had it all figured out.  That person I've always wanted to be (but for so long thought was impossible to become) seems within reach.  Not right away, but still, it's nice to feel that it's possible.  I've spent almost a third of my life wanting to go back to my 17-year-old self, thinking she had it all figured out.  But, I realized that, even though she had a lot figured out, she didn't have all of the experience and perspective that I've gained because of the depression.  And I saw for a moment how all of the different pieces of my life fit together to make a beautiful picture.

I tried to write it all down.  But, the trouble with things of that nature (for me, at least) is that it is difficult to get feelings and impressions adequately expressed through words.  And that's okay.  At least I can remember the peace and hope of that one fleeting moment and now have the empowering knowledge that this burden that I thought was holding me back was in fact adding to my foundation to build a beautiful, better me upon.

It was pretty neat.

This evening we decorated the Christmas tree.

I took a few less-than-great photos in the beginning and then forgot.  But, it was because we were having fun, so I'm okay with that.  The tree looks great.  I only had to fix 3 broken ornaments.  We updated the tree skirt for this year.  And I made rice krispie treats for HH because he loves them and I love him.

Day 1050: We Have Christmas!

That's what Baby B announced to his grandma on the phone tonight.

Because the older kids and I put up the Christmas decorations this afternoon while he napped.  I can't believe how quickly this year has flown by, but I'm excited for this season.  We started listening to Christmas music a few days ago (finally bought the Michael Buble Christmas album from last year--LOVE it!), so it feels nice to have the decorations up--just a little early!

Church was enjoyable again.

Make that amazing.

Sweet P played her violin this morning (accompanied by one of my very talented friends on the piano) in Sacrament Meeting.  She played "I Am A Child of God".  And she did fantastic.  She had a slightly rocky beginning as the intro was a little different than what she had practiced with, but she got her confidence back up and played it smoothly after a few lines.  It was so beautiful.  Really brought in such a sweet spirit.  And I was so proud of her.  She didn't seem afraid at all which was pretty amazing given how reserved she's been of late.

And then I got to play the proud mama for the rest of the day as everyone commented on how talented she is for such a young age.

Yes, yes she is.

And then there was a talk from a young man who recently returned home from serving a two year mission.  He reminded us about the healing that comes through the Savior's Atonement--spiritual, physical, and emotional.  It was a much appreciated reminder for me.

So, I shared all of that in backwards order but it was a great Sunday anyway.

Day 1049: It's Beginning

HH hung our Christmas lights today.

That's the first time we've ever had Christmas lights on the exterior of our dwelling.  It made me feel quite pleased as a homeowner.

I think it mostly made HH feel frustrated and cold.

And thankful that neither Sweet P nor Little M, who joined him on the roof, slid off.

I shared that sentiment as well.

This evening was one of frustration for me.  It involved a shopping trip, a missing wallet, a generous rescue by HH, and then still more shopping.  Not shopping I wanted to be doing.  And then coming home to too many things and people needing me all at once.

I think this is a guy thing, but in the midst of all of this, HH decided to go take care of one last thing outside.  I expressed my frazzledness.  Normally, he'd just kind of apologize and promise to hurry, or tell me to chill, or something like that.

Tonight, he put down what he was doing and said, "I guess that can wait.  What can I do to help you?"

If I hadn't been on the verge of tears, I might have kissed him and let loose with a little "Hallelujah Chorus".

Instead, he's getting this public expression of my gratitude.  A little delayed, but every bit as heartfelt.

I love you, HH