Day 1172: Mmmm...

Well, hello there.

I'm still alive and kicking.

Things have been going really well.  I haven't been posting been posting because I've been so so so busy.  And tired.  And a little bit sick.  And busy.  And tired.

Fortunately, we still find time for taking pictures of this amazing cuteness.

My posting might be a little patchy for the next little bit.  Or, the summer.  I don't know.  Things are challenging in an unexpected way right now.  Now that it's finally warming up, and Spring is upon us, so is yard work and home maintenance/improvements.

The thing is, HH still shouldn't do a lot of what needs to be done.  Which is frustrating for him because he feels guilty having me do it and (I think) we both know he could do it better and faster.  So, I find myself pushing myself harder than I normally would to accomplish more and check things off the list faster, to try and help with that.

But, I have this cold that won't go away.  And I never seem to get anywhere near enough sleep.  And there is so much other stuff that needs my attention.  Because, not only am I having to learn to do the tasks HH has always managed, I'm also having to re-learn how to do "my" tasks that he has kind of picked up over the years to try and help me (us) survive the depression.

I have a new found respect and appreciation for him and all he has taken care of for us.

And his incessant need for sleep.

So, things are going pretty well.  Although, today was a bit overwhelming.  No gym thanks to a sick (but then again, not really sick) child staying home from school.  Two hours at the dentist for the basic cleaning and then the prep work for a crown, 5 hours of numbness, and an annoying pain.  And then four hours of yard work.  And I'm proud of myself, but I know HH would have done a better job (even though he keeps telling me it looks great).  And then dinner for a friend.  I briefly regretted having set that up because I was feeling so tired, but I think it was a good thing because it helped me to turn my focus outward and kick the grumpy mood that had settled on me through the course of the day.

Did I mention I'm tired?

Good night!

Day 1171: Newtons

I participated in a 1-mile fun run with Sweet P and Little M this morning.  So. Stinkin'. Fun!  I love love love running with my kids.

Later, I took all four of the kids to Sam's Club.  By. My. Self.

HH is under the weather and recovering from a Scout camp out.

And to my happy surprise, the kids were great.  I mean, really great.  No running off.  No crying.  No whining.  Just smiles.  And even some helping.

Then I got to hang with Sweet P at a church activity for the girls her age.  She was brave and shared a bit about herself in front of everyone--even though she was terrified.  I was really proud of her.  And it was fun to get to sit and hang with her for an hour and a half.

And finally, we headed out for a series of errands.  The first of which was to purchase these sweet sweet babies:

It's been a long time coming.  I have been contemplating moving on from my Vibram Five Fingers for a very very very long time.  But, I love them.  And I would always think, "I'm so close!  I'm just going to stick it out a little longer and my feet will adjust and be strong enough and it will be great."

Yeah.  I'm more than a little stubborn.  Sometimes.  Lots of times...

But, as I was running those fabulous 8 miles on Thursday, it kind of clicked inside my head.  Running a semi-long distance was such a thrill and mood booster, I realized that it was time to just give up on the Vibrams and find something that would let me really train so I can get in on the races I've been wanting to do for a while now.

I've heard great things about these shoes for a while now.  But, Thursday I reached out to my running friends and these were the clear winners in recommendations.  So, I really researched them and I got pretty excited about them.  So, I was thrilled to be able to get them tonight.  I kind of really just want to go for a run right now!

And then we got the kids some new running shoes, too.  Not as nice as my new running shoes, but they're both pretty excited anyway.

And then we went out for dinner.  It should have been really bad because it was late and the kids were tired and hungry, but really, it went pretty well.  Baby B might have spent more time smashing somebody's left-behind Mike and Ike than eating his food, but he was happy.  And we were fortunate that it never landed in anyone's food, even though he kept throwing it up in the air.

Yeah, we were that family at the restaurant tonight.

Day 1170: Resilience

That is kind of my key word these days.  Resilience is what I am seeking to have more of.  When I am resilient, I can handle challenges--even if they pile on a bit.  And I can stay positive throughout.

Yesterday's run seems to have given me a super-charged boost of resilience.  Not that today was particularly rough, or anything.  But, I was able to take on the challenges it brought and stay above the line.  I was proud of myself.

And I think I've found a triathlon to enter.  Since I started running again after my fracture, I've been looking for a race to get excited about.  I think this is it.  Yay!

Day 1169: Mr. Golden Sun

I forgot to mention that Little M had his first soccer practice last night.  Super cute.  And he was so excited.

I spent a good portion of the time hanging out on the playground with Baby B, though.  Which was also good.  He and I have been at odds so much of late, it was a really good reminder to me that we need to just have some good bonding time between us.  So, I spent more time really focusing on him today.  And we snuggled a bit at nap time.  And I think it really helped.

It definitely helped me.  I needed to be reminded that he really can be my sweet little boy.  It's hard to be #3 of 4.  There are so many other people and things competing for my time!

Anyway, today started similar to how yesterday started.  I just felt. So. Tired.  Dead. Tired.

And exhausted.

And Baby B started the day off with all kinds of screaming (his sheet has been missing for a few days, so it has been rough.  R-U-F-F.  Rough).

I've been promising HH that I would mow the lawn for a couple of weeks now.  But, it's been so cold and super duper rainy and wet, so it hasn't happened.  Today was nice and sunny.  So, I dragged myself out there, dug out my mower, and set to work.  I still felt tired, but I was glad to finally get it done.

And then I dragged myself to the gym.  Mainly, just to get a break from Baby B (this was before we really spent quality time together today).

But, I got out there for my run and the weather was glorious.  I mean, "Hallelujah Chorus"-inspiring.  It was just perfect.  And as I ran, I felt better and better.  And better.

And I wound up going 8 miles.  In 1:09:15.  Not crazy fast, but definitely something I'm proud of today.

And I'm still sort of on a high from it.

Probably helped me to have that extra patience for Baby B the rest of the day.

And everyone else in the family.

Running makes Mama happy.

The End.

Day 1168: A Point For Both Teams

I am beyond exhausted.  I mean, just dragging.

And I've been having panic attacks all day.  And just in an unmotivated funk.  And a little down.

It didn't help that it was kind of a hectic day.

A friend and I have been trying to hang out for a while now, we finally decided to just workout together this afternoon.  I had to totally squeeze it in between naps and errands, but I wanted to make it work.  So,  we did.  Only, I was really dragging and had pretty much no motivation.  But, still, it was fun to hang out.

It wasn't until after that I realized I had kind of failed in a big way.  This is a friend I've felt I can/should be more open with.  She asked me, very pointedly, how I was doing.  And I told her I was doing great! Actually went on for a little while about how well things are going.

I didn't mean to lie.  I really didn't.  A part of the problem is that sometimes I just try to "decide" to be in a good mood.  And I get a tad overly optimistic and keep insisting that I'm doing really well, even though at the exact same time, I'm feeling down.

Don't ask me how this happens.  It just does.

So, when I realized it after, I felt bad.  I felt bad for blowing a chance to trust someone and open up a bit.  I felt bad for being dishonest--not too bad though, since I really was thinking I was fine and forgetting that on my way to the gym I had been on the phone with HH, freaking out about everything.

But, then again, it did sort of really bother me because honesty is something I've kind of always prided myself on.  And just last week, I had to apologize to my therapist for lying to him.  Only that time, it was totally intentional.  And I knew that he knew I was lying to him.  But I did it anyway.  It was because he was pushing that subject I didn't want to discuss and I knew that if I lied, he couldn't keep pushing.  So I did.  And then I called later and told him the truth and that I was sorry.  And he said that he already knew, but thanks.

And I felt a little bit like a belligerent teenager.

But, I am a work in progress, folks.

Tonight I made myself put on make up and run the flat iron through my hair so I looked somewhat presentable (still wore my yoga pants, though) and I went to book club.  And I allowed myself to let go of all of the negativity and just relax and have fun with my friends and really to feel all of the goodness that entails.  I had promised myself I would be open and honest about how I was doing, if anyone asked.  They didn't.  And that was fine.  I think it was just more important that I was willing to be honest.

Instead, we laughed.  A lot.

And then I took out my friend's (the hostess) garbage.  Just trying to be a productive honeybee.

And I felt a million times better as I drove home.

Maybe a trillion times.

Day 1167: The Floods

So, usually, when I disappear for multiple days, it's because I'm depressed and don't want to deal with either being honest and sharing it here, or pretending like everything is fine.

This time was different.  I didn't post because my computer was disconnected.  I might have been struggling with the depression a bit too, but only for less than a day in the middle of it all.

The real culprit of my absence is best explained by this:

Our toilet ripped up the bathroom floor and then jumped into the bathtub to try and hide.  But, as you can see, we found it and gave it an extended time out to think about its actions.

Fortunately, it didn't stop this from happening:

Baby B turned 3.  I went all out for his train cake last year.  Since he wanted a repeat, I went the easy route this year.  And he was just as happy.  He was actually happy with pretty much everything the whole day.  So nice for a child who can find a reason to be unhappy in even the best of circumstances.

So, I'm back.  I learned a few things.  And life is good.

Day 1166: Proving Grounds

So, the past couple of weeks have had more than their fair share of tragedies and devastation.  Many of them are personal for those involved, so I haven't really shared.  But, the silver lining lies in the fact that, while I've been saddened, I haven't gotten really down.

But, for some reason, when I found out about the explosion in West, Texas today I started having kind of a panic attack and I could feel things closing in on me again.  It was just kind of the last straw amid the madness.  Then I reminded myself of yesterday's post and my focus on service and love.  And it made all the difference.  I still feel awful about all of those poor people, but it's not dragging me down.  I hope that doesn't make me sound callous.  I am affected, just not in an extreme way.  I'm still feeling empowered to move forward and be a cause for good, as much as I can.

And I'm kind of really proud of that.

And I had a couple of great moments with Darling A today.

Like her hair being even more fabulous after this morning's bath.  Love Love Love.

And then walking in to find her smiling in her sleep.  There's just something about a sleeping baby... so sweet.

Amazing how such simple sweetness can counteract all of the chaos out there.