When You're Alone, You're Not Really Alone

I try to keep this blog non-denominational. But it is Easter. And I know times are tough for a lot of people right now, so I just had to share this very timely message with you.

For those whose faith differs from mine, the man speaking in this video is Elder Jeffrey R. Holland. He is an Apostle of Jesus Christ and a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Even if you don't believe the way I do, I still think you should watch this video. His message is centered on Christ and the blessings we are all privileged to due to the sacrifice of our Savior.



I am so grateful for the gift Jesus Christ has bestowed upon us all. Even when things are hard and I do feel down, I know that He is there. That He alone knows how to comfort me completely and how to make me whole because He voluntarily experienced all the pain and suffering you and I will ever go through. He offers me constant comfort and love. All I have to do is be willing to accept it. And He won't ever leave me alone.

I know that Jesus Christ lives and that because of Him, we will all live again as well. That principle was especially sweet to me this Easter as I taught it to Sweet P and Little M. I told them that I know that Jesus made it possible for us to be a family forever. And for that I am inexpressibly and overwhelmingly grateful. What greater joy can I experience than to know that my babies can be united to me and HH forever and ever?

Fuhgeddaboudit

Like you've never wanted to pretend you were Mafia. (For those of you who don't speak Mafia Italian that reads: Forget about it).

Moving on.

Several years ago I was eating dinner with a boyfriend's family. I forget what exactly we were talking about, but his grandma made a statement that I found very interesting and it's always stuck with me.

She said something along the lines of this:

"When I was your age, we really didn't think about how things felt. We just accepted the way things were and went on."

At first, I thought this was so sad. What a horrible way to go through life--not feeling! But over time my understand of her words has changed. I don't think she meant that she didn't appreciate the things she had in life, or experience sadness, or anything like that. I think she meant that she didn't dwell on it, or personalize the things that just kind of happen in life.

For example, when I was going through a particularly rough period of depression in my life, I remember telling HH all the time how unfair life was. I was constantly saying, "Today was just a really hard day. Why do things have to be so hard for me all the time!" And the things that were so hard that day would be along the lines of Sweet P spilling her milk--twice!, having to make a phone call for church, Sweet P having a major blowout, forgetting something I needed at the grocery store, hitting all red lights on the way home, HH getting home late from work, etc. You get the idea. Nothing major. It's just that I took it all personal. Everyone was out to get me. I just knew it! Everyone wanted to make my life hard.

Every unfortunate thing that happened to me was proof to me that no one cared about me. Because if someone cared, nothing bad would ever happen to me. They would make sure it didn't.

You all have someone in your life like that right? Someone who makes sure people let you change lanes on the freeway, who tells you that you're nearly out of toilet paper before you go to the store so you don't discover it five minutes after you get home, who makes sure your child never throws a tantrum in public?

No?

Hmmm...

Okay, so it seems really silly now, but I genuinely felt that way. What does this have to do with my old boyfriend's grandma? I think those are the kind of things she didn't think, or worry, about. That's just life being life. If you take those little things personal, you'll be far too busy partying with all Self-pity to ever recognize Joy.

Fuhgeddaboudit.

I've mentioned Happy for No Reason by Marci Shimoff. I love that book. I need to read it again. Anyway, in her book she three guiding principles in the lives of people who are truly happy. One of these is the Law of Universal Support. Meaning, believing that the universe is out to support you--not to get you. I love that. Love it.

When I keep that mindset, I can just forget about those little things. They don't even have to be ripples in my day. They can be nothings. Or sometimes, even funny things. When I remember that the universe is supporting me, those things don't feel anywhere close to personal barbs. How could they be? Why would they be?

I am Christian so "the universe" is mainly God for me. He is my Father, so it makes perfect sense that He wants to support me. Supporting me doesn't mean removing anything that might challenge me a bit (that would mean eliminating many opportunities for growth--but that's a discussion for another day). Supporting me means providing me with the resources I need to move past challenges no matter how big or small. And I fully believe that He has, does, and will.

But we are talking "universe" here. So, I interpret that to mean that everyone and everything else is included here too. And sometimes I picture the planets and stars cheering me on with pompoms and little flags. That's just what pops into my head when I think of a "supportive universe". So I'm quirky. So what?

Have I made the connection between Old BF's g-ma and a supportive universe for you? It's there in my head, but I'm not sure if it's here in this post. But now you have a glimpse of what I'm working with when it comes to what's in my head, so you can see how this might be a challenge for me. Let me try to sum up.

Don't dwell on the unfortunate things in life. I'm not talking about major, catastrophic things--that stuff needs to be dealt with and it's okay to be sad sometimes. But things that really don't matter. Things that have no long term effect on the rest of you life, day, or moment (unless you choose to react and hold onto the negative). Let go of those things. Let them roll, like water off of a duck's back. Ducks don't get wet, you know. There's a book about it.

Okay, so the opposite of sweating the small stuff and taking it personal, is to not think about it. Accept that it happened, and move on. You can move on because you know that the universe is here for your support. Just because things aren't going exactly your way doesn't mean they're going wrong. Have faith that the universe is rooting for you and will help things to work out--just maybe not the way you thought or planned. Believe that you have a loving Heavenly Father who is watching over you, not to prevent anything bad from happening to you, but to ensure that you are provided with all you need to succeed. And He knows exactly what that is.

And if you do this, you'll open up a lot more room in your life for joy. I know it because I've done it. I still have days where I get caught up in feeling so "woe is me" and those days are just yucky and ugly. The good thing is, having experienced the peace and joy that come with believing the planets are shaking pompoms on my behalf, it's a lot easier to snap out of those bad days. And then you can't imagine the weight that's lifted off! If you aren't already doing it, give it a try. Shake off the bad and take a deep breath knowing that everyone and everything is here for you!

And picture Neptune holding up a "Go, You!" poster.

Don't you feel more supported already?

How do you "fuhgeddaboudit"? Or am I the only person who can take stuff like that personal? How do you remember that the universe is supportive and not threatening?

Thanks for all the love last week! I loved it! Keep those comments coming! Remember, this works best the more insight we have, so if you've got something to say, please share!

Have a delightful, supported week!

Show a Little Love

Love is a many splendid thing... love lifts us up where we belong... all you need is love...

Why yes, I can sing that whole song all by myself, thank you! Sometimes HH sings with me and we do a lovely duet. We have all kinds of crazy fun like that around here.

In honor of it being The Day After Valentine's Day, I thought we should discuss love this week. Love and joy certainly go hand in hand. In fact, if you type in the address for this blog incorrectly, you're likely to come up with something for the movie "Love's Abiding Joy". I haven't seen it, but I hear it's a good one.

I, for one, cannot imagine finding joy in anything without love. When I think back to the times in my life when something wonderful has happened I notice a pattern: When I was with people I love and who love me, the joy from the wonderful circumstances was multiplied; when I was alone, the joy was diminished. There's something about knowing that someone who loves you finds joy in you finding joy that makes it all the more joyful. Did that make sense? It's also true in the reciprocal. When you truly love someone, you are blessed to experience joy right along with them when they find joy.

For example, I don't really think about the awesomeness of my hands. Ever. But when Sweet P discovered her hands for the first time, she thought they were fantastic. As I watched her delight in these cool things attached to her body, I couldn't help but smile and laugh right along with her.

But I think the greatest joy love has to offer is in our demonstration of it. I'm not as good about it as once was, but I used to always leave little love notes and cards for HH to find. I know he enjoyed getting them, but I had so much fun writing them and contemplating how nice it would be for him when he discovered them. When I go out of my way to provide a new activity or outing for my kiddos, it's so much more fun because I'm doing it out of the love I have for them. I love to cook and a big part of that is because I'm cooking for my family and I want them to feel my love for them in the food I provide. You know when you find the perfect gift for someone you love and then you can hardly wait to give it to them? It's not because they'll think you're totally awesome for getting it, it's because you love them and that just makes it fun!

I would like to close with a quote from President Thomas S. Monson, prophet of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

"Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances. We must deal with them the best we can. But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important—and what is most important almost always involves the people around us. Often we assume that they must know how much we love them. But we should never assume; we should let them know. Wrote William Shakespeare, “They do not love that do not show their love.”3 We will never regret the kind words spoken or the affection shown. Rather, our regrets will come if such things are omitted from our relationships with those who mean the most to us.

"Send that note to the friend you’ve been neglecting; give your child a hug; give your parents a hug; say “I love you” more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of “what if” and “if only.” Said author Harriet Beecher Stowe, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”"

And that would be my challenge to you as well. Find ways to express your love every day and I promise you'll find more joy.

As a little side note, if you haven't read The Five Languages of Love, I highly recommend it. It had never occurred to me that HH expressed and felt love through different actions then I do. But he does. And now it's so much easier for me to show him I love him in the way that means the most to him. Getting little loves notes is something I love. HH appreciates them, but he would greatly prefer a neck massage or a hug. Basically, this book can help you use your love-giving-energy more efficiently. And it's not just for spouses. I found it helpful with other people I feel close to as well.

How do you show your love to those around you? How do you like love to be shown to you? What is it about love that provides so much joy? How do you find time to demonstrate your love to the important people in your life? Any ideas for showing love to people that don't live near you? Do you love me? Just kidding! Of course you do!

Love,

Cheryl

Slooooow Doooowwn!

You were supposed to read that in a really low voice, like in a movie where things go into slow motion and someone yells, but their voice is slowed down as well. I hope you read it correctly. If not, go back and do again.

Great. Now, I want to thank my little sister for sending me this fantastic article. Thanks, Meg!

Of Crockpots & Microwaves
-Craig L. Israelsen

Life presents us with more than a few ironies. These inconsistencies are sometimes very obvious. Occasionally they are very subtle and we may actually misinterpret, or miss, the irony involved. Missing the essence of what is taking place can often lead to confusion or frustration. Take, for example, the rapid technological developments in the latter half of the twentieth century. Specifically, let us consider the numerous devices and appliances found in many of today's homes, such as phones, washing machines, dryers, copy machines, stoves, electric irons, computers, furnaces, microwave ovens, etc.

Given all these time-saving inventions we should have an abundance of time to devote to children, spouses, reading, and other noble pursuits. Ironically, rather than perceiving an abundance of time many individuals today feel stressed and harried due to a supposed lack of time. Worse yet, many feel a nagging lack of meaning in their busy lives. Remedies for this ironical ill include (ironically) slowing down, gaining perspective, modifying expectations, and engaging in meaningful activities.

Slowing down. Inasmuch as adding "time-saving" appliances to the home has not produced vast increases in "leisure" time the flip-side logic would seem to suggest that if homemakers slowed down they may actually have more time. Answer irony with irony. Slowing down simply suggests that we savor more of what we do. If the choice is between being stressed out while attempting to do it all and enjoying fewer, yet more important, activities the choice seems fairly obvious.

Perspective. Perspective is our attitude, outlook, position, or viewpoint. Gaining perspective suggests that we occasionally need an attitude adjustment, a different outlook, a clearer position, or a clarified viewpoint. One clarified viewpoint might be that simply being busy will not necessarily produce meaning. Moreover, being too busy with unproductive or unworthy activities or events can rob our lives of meaning. In his book "Wherefore, Ye Must Press Forward" Elder Neal A. Maxwell observed that:

"Some of us in our busyness end up knowing each other as functions instead of as individuals. It is difficult to love a function or to regard a robot. Knowing takes time. Being too busy and being too lazy mean there will be some great associational adventures we will never have."

A spiritually-nourished perspective will remind us to put people (particularly little people) ahead of schedules. Inasmuch as interpersonal relationships are long-lasting they should be the primary focus of our business (i.e. "busy-ness"). Perspective allows us to see a bigger picture while living the smaller, daily details. Perspective helps us avoid being "caught in the thick of thin things".

Expectations. Why aren't time-saving household devices freeing up our time? Perhaps it is our persistently high expectations. Given the appliances available to us we now expect to have cleaner and more neatly pressed clothing, cleaner floors and carpets, more communication via phone and fax, more flyers and handouts to distribute, more variety in our meals, ...and the list goes on.

Homemakers today spend as much time in household maintenance as homemakers did 40 years ago. Has technology failed us? No. Expectations have simply risen with every technological improvement. And they continue to rise. In short, we are hard to please. Whatever the present level of technology, it will not be high enough. Does this imply that we should not have high expectations or standards of excellence? Certainly not. A person-sensitive perspective will assist us in knowing when high expectations are appropriate and, conversely, when high expectations may begin to sabotage relationships.

Technology is exhilarating...and intoxicating. While it can open up new opportunities for accomplishment technology may also dull our sense of natural or reasonable limitations. There are undoubtedly many benefits to rapid task accomplishment. Yet in very subtle ways we are at great risk. The risk is that we begin to think that everything -- even relationships -- can take place quickly.

Today's computers can accomplish in several seconds what once took several hours, or even days! International travel is no longer measured in days, but in hours. Verbal communication is instantaneous via phone, rather than requiring weeks via parcel post. Surgical procedures formerly needing long periods of convalescence are now performed on an out-patient basis. Meals requiring several hours of crockpot cooking time can now be ready in a matter of microwave minutes.

While there are many tasks that have been served well by technological development, there are others which have not. Interpersonal relationships are most significantly at risk in a faster-paced world. Attempting to develop a deep friendship in a matter of minutes does violence to the term friendship. Likewise, rearing children is a slow, long-term process. In short, the deepest interpersonal experiences we will have cannot successfully be sped up. And why would we want to? We must recognize that a crockpot paradigm is more appropriate than a microwave mentality when dealing with people – particularly those closest to us. Efficiency is simply not the goal in many interpersonal interactions.

Why a lack of meaning in so many busy lives? A scarcity of meaningful activities. Household production processes that were formerly accomplished by family members working together (chopping wood, washing & drying dishes, harvesting food & fiber) have now been transferred to people outside the home or machines inside the home. We have methodically shifted from being a nation of production to a society of consumption.Working together, within a context of production, provides time to talk. Tasks that involve many hands, are not quickly accomplished, and are not cognitively taxing (hauling hay, weeding the garden, preparing a simple meal) can provide an ideal setting for communication. Such "multi-tasking" works well, as long as the tasks do not demand all of our mental attention. More importantly, discussions while working together are often information-conveying, rather than simply time-passing. The longer the task, the longer (and often more meaningful) the discussion. Meaningful conversations while traveling for hours together in a car are one example. In our day, too few activities revolve around joint work between adults and children. As a result, time needed for information-laden discussions is all too often budgeted in minutes, when hours might be needed.

Absent a plethora of production-based, intra-family activities, a dominant endeavor for individuals and families becomes consumption. Not surprisingly, consumption activities are often less interpersonally rewarding than production activities. Production usually builds, consumption often depletes.

Technology is useful if it adds meaning to our lives. If it does not we are either using technology inappropriately or our expectations/perspective are out of balance. Doing some things faster via technology need not detract from our interpersonal lives. However, attempting to implement a technologically-based life-pace will surely do violence to human interactions inherently designed to be gradual, methodical associations over time.

Where human relationships are involved, a slower pace is often better. For example, if you want meat to really taste good, use a crockpot -- not a microwave. To cook meat right, it simply takes a lot of time and a little heat. Turning up the heat won't make up for lost time. In like manner, turning up our activity level (becoming busier) won't make up for lost associations and time spent together. The good news is that it's never too late to slow down to a crock-pot pace in our personal lives. So, hurry up and slow down.


So, does anybody have a great crockpot recipe? I know, I'm so funny. Seriously though, this really hits home for me. This is another one of those lessons that I have to keep re-learning in life, so this came as a great reminder for me. It is amazing how often I'll go to bed at night and think about how "busy" I was all day, but how little I accomplished when it comes to what really matters. I can spend all day rushing my kids from one activity to the next errand, but never really do anything with them. And then I look back on the day with regret and feelings of unfulfillment. And that is not why HH and I chose to have these sweet little children. HH and I can spend the whole weekend accomplishing things, but never really being together. And then I look back on the weekend with regret and feelings of unfulfillment. That is not why we chose to get married. I don't want to look back on my life and feel the same way about how I used my time here.

Besides, if we're rushing through life, it's a lot harder to find the joy. It's not going to speed up to find you, that's for sure. A busy life is a stressful life. One thing I know about joy is that it doesn't really mix with stress. At all. I'm choosing joy.

What about you? What do you choose? How do you find ways to slow down, even when there is so much that "needs" to be done? What are the things in your life worth slowing down for?

Isn't my little sister great? If anyone else has an email, article, story to share, please pass it along! It's an easy way to be a guest blogger. Just please leave a little note in the comments telling me that you've emailed me at abidingjoyblog@gmail.com. Thanks!

Acknowledging the Joy in Our Journey

Well, I would be feeling much better but the medication they gave me for my cough has me nearly incapacitated. Thank you for all your input on last week's post. I will comment on that more later when I am capable of forming a complete thought.

Fortunately for all of us, my mom unknowingly saved the day. She does this often. She sent me this in an email earlier in the week and I really loved it. It is a fascinating story that really made me think (I read it before I got put on the medication). If you would like to read the story in its entirety (it is very long), check here.

A Violinist in the Metro

A man sat at a metro station in Washington DC and started to play the violin; it was a cold January morning. He played six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time, since it was rush hour, it was calculated that thousands of people went through the station, most of them on their way to work.

Three minutes went by and a middle aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried up to meet his schedule.
A minute later, the violinist received his first dollar tip: a woman threw the money in the till and without stopping continued to walk.

A few minutes later, someone leaned against the wall to listen to him, but the man looked at his watch and started to walk again.Clearly he was late for work.

The one who paid the most attention was a 3 year old boy. His mother tagged him along, hurried but the kid stopped to look at the violinist. Finally the mother pushed hard and the child continued to walk turning his head all the time. This action was repeated by several other children. All the parents, without exception, forced them to move on.

In the 45 minutes the musician played, only 6 people stopped and stayed for a while. About 20 gave him money but continued to walk their normal pace. He collected $32. When he finished playing and silence took over, no one noticed it. No one applauded, nor was there any recognition.

No one knew this but the violinist was Joshua Bell, one of the best musicians in the world. He played one of the most intricate pieces ever written with a violin worth 3.5 million dollars.
Two days before his playing in the subway, Joshua Bell sold out at a theater in Boston and the seats averaged $100.

This is a real story. Joshua Bell playing incognito in the metro station was organized by the Washington Post as part of an social experiment about perception, taste and priorities of people. The outlines were: in a commonplace environment at an inappropriate hour: Do we perceive beauty? Do we stop to appreciate it? Do we recognize the talent in an unexpected context?

One of the possible conclusions from this experience could be: If we do not have a moment to stop and listen to one of the best musicians in the world playing the best music ever written on an almost priceless instrument, how many other things are we missing?


This really hit home with me because it seemed right along the lines of this blog. I began this in an effort to more fully recognize the joy that I know is in my life, but I am somehow missing. I think this story reveals an important key to that puzzle. Sometimes all it takes to find joy is to look. Make time in your life to appreciate what is around you. Especially beauty. We all need more beauty in our lives.

What Will YOUR 2009 Be?

Happy New Year!

Wow. Is anyone else confused about how 2009 came so fast? Wasn't it just a couple of years ago that everyone was waiting for all the computers to explode, or something at midnight with Y2K? Really, 2009? Really?!

Okay, well, I guess it really is a new year and that brings us all to the inevitable topic of "New Year's Resolutions". I've never been too big on these. I struggle staying focused with goals in the first place, so putting one off (once I make one) until January 1st seems utterly ridiculous. But last year I came up with a new idea--focus on one trait for the entire year. Like a theme that would spill over into every aspect of my life. I just confessed one of my major pitfalls--lack of ability to stay with something--so, I declared last year to be my "Year of Commitment".

A friend of mine did something similar, so I'm not claiming to have this novel idea. Perhaps some of you do the same thing already. If so, please share. I'm still kicking around a few ideas for this year and would love some new suggestions. I definitely made great strides towards being more committed last year, but I still have room for improvement. However, I believe I will continue to progress in that area and ought to choose something different.

I believe that growth and progression are great ways to capture more joy in our lives. Think about it, if we never changed, life would become very stale. But it's so easy to get frustrated with goals or resolutions. I often expect myself to be able to change over night. I don't know why because that has never happened. Not once. But I still hold myself to the 24-hour improvement standard. Fortunately, I am getting better at reminding myself that I'm just me and to be patient with myself. I try to find ways to mark my progress at small increments. And I try to reward myself for little achievements. When all else fails, I look at myself in the mirror and pretend I'm someone else looking at me. Then I try to honestly assess myself as though I were another person. And I usually decide that I would be impressed by me, if I were someone else. Then I try to hold onto that attitude.

What do you do to keep focused on the positive progress of your efforts and not get bogged down by the process?

Another problem with goals is that I tend to get really overzealous about it for a while and neglect most other aspects of my life. Then the rest of my life catches up with me and/or I get bored with the goal and it kind of falls by the wayside.

Any ideas on ways to combat this one?

Anyway, I'm a little under the weather, so I'm afraid I'll have to wrap this up. As if it's not long enough. The main thing is, I really like having a one-word theme for the year because it doesn't seem so daunting. I can set other smaller goals in every aspect of my life (i.e. spiritual, social, emotional, physical, family, educational, etc.) that make progress toward that same thing. Because these goals are smaller, they are easier to stay focused on and achieve. Because they are all over the place in my life, I get lots of opportunities to work on that same thing.

I'm not sure if this is coherent. I apologize. I really need to go to bed. I'll try to get better and make more sense next week. In the meantime, let me know your take on "resolutions" and "themes". I really could use your help in determining what I'd like to focus on this year. And on how you keep making progress on your goals.

Thanks!

Good Tidings of Great Joy

With Christmas only a few days away, I want to post about the Ultimate source of joy in my life--Jesus Christ. I don't know if all our readers share this faith in Him, but He is the source of all joy for me, so I want to share my thoughts and feelings with you here.

As I've been pondering this post the past couple weeks in my head, it occurred to me that Jesus Christ set the example in nearly all the things we've discussed on the blog. He showed us how to serve others, to develop faith, and to express gratitude. I know that if we follow the path He set while here on earth, as mapped out in the scriptures, it will lead us to joy--both in this life and in the life to come.

He also provides me joy by offering hope. Through His life, Atonement, death, and resurrection He provided a way for me to not only overcome death, but also to be with my family forever. I believe that if we live worthily we will remain united as a family unit throughout all eternity. I cannot fathom finding joy in the afterlife without my husband there by my side. My family is an amazing source of joy in this life; it makes perfect sense that our loving Heavenly Father would provide us a way to continue to abide in that same joy for all time.

This principle is especially important to me right now. My grandfather is very near to death. The thought of him not being there the next time I visit my grandma is a heartbreaking one, to say the least. However, I know that Jesus Christ provided a way for my grandpa to live forever. And I know that I will see him again one day and his body will be whole and healthy. So, even at this time of horrible pain I find immense joy in that knowledge. I am indescribably grateful to my Savior for the sacrifice He endured to make that possible. "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? (1 Corinthians 15:55)"

This is connected to yet another way that Jesus Christ provides me with joy. It is amazing to me that He endured all that He did on my behalf. I feel greatly aware of my many shortcomings and I know that He is also aware. And yet, He still provided a way for me to achieve these amazing blessings. Though I often forget, Jesus sends a powerful message with the gift He offers each of us--He believes in us. He has faith in me and in my ability to follow Him and endure well the challenges I face in life. He knows that I possess the ability to do all that He has asked me to do in order to be worthy of His gifts and to accomplish all that He desires me to.

In Ether 12: 27 (in the Book of Mormon), Jesus tells us, "If men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."

I especially love the part where He says, "my grace is sufficient for all men (and women!)". I know this to be true, but I don't always remember it. I still doubt myself. I am often overwhelmed by this blog, for example. I believe that this blog is a part of what the Lord wants me to do in this life. But when I forget and think that I have to do it all by myself, I just want to curl up and cry. I want to write helpful, applicable things here. But I don't profess to be more capable of that than the next person. So, when I remember to be humble and turn to Him in prayer, He reminds me that this is indeed His work, and He is blessing me with the opportunity to assist. And He lives up to His promise to make up the difference for all that I lack.

I'm using the blog as my example, but that is a true principle in every aspect of my life. He completes my efforts as a wife and a mom and a friend and everything else. If I were to try to accomplish everything on my own, I cannot imagine succeeding very often. More importantly, I can't imagine finding the peace and hope necessary to experience joy in much or any of it.

So, as I ponder the meaning and reason behind Christmas, I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and love for my Savior Jesus Christ. Suddenly, all the words in my vocabulary seem very small. Nothing can convey what I feel when I ponder His love and His mercy on my behalf. And I will strive this upcoming year to draw ever nearer to Him because I know that He is the Source of true and abiding joy.

Merry Christmas!

'Tis the Season

Well, thank you for indulging me in our month of gratitude. I just hope I can hold onto the change it made in my daily life to focus a little more on being grateful, expressing it, and keeping the balance with Random Acts of Kindness.

But it's time to move on. Where to go after discussing gratitude--a great joy provider? Naturally, stress was the first thing that came to my mind, it being a great joy remover after all. Actually, I just figured it was probably a prominent figure in a few other peoples' lives right now and not just mine.

All year long I look forward to this time of year. But since becoming an "adult", sometimes I let the stress and pressures overwhelm the excitement and general feeling of goodness. I want to find everyone on my list the perfect gift while staying within a *reasonable* budget, get my Christmas cards out before Presidents Day, make the most delectable dessert at the party, explain to HH why we need to get a hostess gift and then go out and find a suitable one, etc. And then there's the small day-to-day stresses like getting both kids dressed in their snow gear before the "potty trained" one needs to go again, not spinning out of control while driving on slick roads, keeping one eye constantly glued on the Christmas tree to ensure that it doesn't get pulled over, the ornaments stay put, and the presents below remain unopened, and--you get the picture. And I know you all deal with stresses of your own. So, it's easy to understand why we sometimes lose that "Holiday Cheer".

I understand it, but I don't like it. I feel cheated when that happens because I'm missing out on potential fun and JOY. Not fair. HH refers to me as a "stress case" year-round, so you can imagine what I'm like these days. But, I repeat, I DON'T LIKE IT. Well, I don't. So, I'm trying to get beyond it this year. I try the breathing and/or visualization exercises, but then a little stress peaks through and before I know it, I'm totally distracted away from the relaxing and focused on the stress.

So, what do you do? I think achieving and maintaining the proper perspective (i.e. she'll probably like the doll with the pink hat just as much as the one with the purple hat, so don't ponder it for 25 min. while BW screams for lunch) is very effective at eliminating some stress. Does anyone have good advice on how to actually do that? What about staying cheery even amidst the necessary stresses?

I used to be a pretty mellow and relaxed person but then it was like a switch flipped and now I get panicked over just about everything. I'd really like to go back to the relaxed me so I'd appreciate any advice you have on this one.

Paying It Forward

I keep forgetting to check the email account abidingjoyblog@gmail.com. So, if you do send me an email, please leave a little comment here telling me to check it. I'm still waiting for all you guest bloggers! Thanks!

So, I might have spoken too soon about having a "Gratitude" theme for all of November. I mean, it's a key principle on our path to abiding joy--but how many different points can be made on it? I've been racking my brain all week and coming up totally empty. So, I prayed about it this morning and felt like I should just keep my ears open at church. Well, guess what the theme was in Sacrament Meeting today--Gratitude. That makes complete sense since Thanksgiving is on Thursday, but as soon as I heard that, I felt a wave of relief and knew I would be inspired by something someone said. And I was. Although, I don't remember which speaker, or what they said exactly. Mommy brain, what else can I say?

This might be a little bit of a stretch, but I feel that today's topic should be expressing gratitude through paying it forward. The basic gist of this being that if someone provides you with a gift or service, you thank them by doing something for someone else. And then, ideally, they do something for another person, so on and so on. What a great way to spread joy!

Sometimes it feels like the world is a really hate-filled place. It seems like so many terrible things take place because of some one's anger or frustration. When I get caught up in thoughts like these, I feel pain at the thought of my children going through life with all that surrounding them. So, the idea of paying it forward is an excellent one to me. I know our readership (is that a word?) is small, but think of what great things could happen if a lot of people started practicing this? More of us would be serving each other and spreading love and joy. And the great thing about love and joy is that they have the capacity to grow exponentially. The more you give, the more you have, and the more there is to give.

I don't know if I've overwhelmed you with my challenges this month, but I won't be issuing one this week. I am going to try to keep track of the number of things other people do for or give me each day this week and then pass along the favor to someone else. I think I'll just keep a simple tally on a piece of paper. Who knows, maybe I'll try to do more service than I receive. I'm excited to see how it goes and I invite anyone else who wants to, to join me!

And this is a little random, but I just have to say that one of the Random Acts of Kindness that I most appreciate is when someone gets the door for me when I'm pushing a stroller--especially the double stroller. I can get through a door by myself, but it is so nice to have some one's help. And when someone does that for me, it really makes me want to help someone else in return.

What are your favorite RAK's? Have you ever tried to "pay it forward"? Are you going to join with me in keeping track of what you receive and what you give this week?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

A Thankful Heart is a Happy Heart

I hope no one minds, but I decided since it's that time of year, I'll just stick to the "Gratitude" theme for all of November. I really feel strongly that finding things to be thankful for in our lives is one of the keys to finding abiding joy. I'm reminded of a story in The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. She and her sister Betsy were in a concentration camp during World War II. Betsy told Corrie that she was grateful for the fleas that afflicted them constantly there. That is incomprehensible to me, but Betsy was grateful for them because they kept the Nazi guards away from them and the sisters were able to enjoy a little more freedom. If you have not read the book, I highly recommend it. It is beyond inspiring. Corrie was able to rise above everything that came her way without anger and self-pity. And being able to find gratitude for something as miserable as fleas probably had something to do with that.

So, to keep our focus on gratitude, I have another challenge. I know you're all excited. This week's goal is to begin a "Gratitude Journal". Thanks to my mom, I started one the day after Christmas last year. It has been an eye opening experience and a blessing in and of itself. Some days I have many things to write about and other days, when I'm in a bad mood, I have to sit and think for a while--but I have never had a day without something to be thankful for. The greatest blessing of it has been to see how much God is a part of my life. Often I will notice that a decision I make one day will allow something wonderful to happen several days later--a connection I never would have made on my own and I know God is enlightening my mind.

For example, last week KN and I were given the opportunity to see the Rockettes in NYC. I didn't really feel like going because we had a lot of stuff going on already that day and it is a hassle to travel there, but I found myself agreeing to go anyway. Even as I was driving there I was questioning why we were doing this and regretting the decision. We enjoyed the show but my breathing became very painful about halfway through it. We stayed with my parents that night. Had I been at my own home, I probably wouldn't have gone to a doctor because that is such a hassle with two small children. But because we were at my parents' home and my mom made all the arrangements and watched my kids for me, I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with pre-pneumonia. The doctor said I was very lucky to have come in so early and that they've been having some more serious cases of pneumonia in this area. I feel so blessed to have had such a mild case that I easily and rapidly got over. I am grateful to my mom for all her help and to my Heavenly Father because I believe He influenced my decision to go.

And things like that have happened time and time again. I'm sure I would have realized some of them, but certainly not as much as I do when I sit and reflect at the end of every day at the blessings it brought. And it's hard to not have my mood brightened when I recognize and appreciate the good things that happened to me.

So, feel free to share anything good that happens to you. And how searching for something to be grateful for, even when it seems like there is nothing, helps you find joy.

My mom sent me this and I thought it was applicable here. Thanks Mom!


Gratitude First by Joseph Walker

Now, keep in mind that I’m talking about a candy necklace here — nothing special at all. It was just a stringy loop of elastic with multi-colored candies strung around it. I had handed some of them to the ten-year-olds to whom I had been teaching Old Testament stories for the past year (what, you don’t see the connection between candy necklaces and the Old Testament?), and I had an extra one.

Kayla is quite special indeed. She has long dark hair. Gorgeous eyes. A beautiful smile. The sweetest voice you’ve ever heard. And she’s six. In all the world there is nothing so wonderfully adorable as a six-year-old girl.

Which is probably why I gave the necklace to her. I’m a sucker for that stuff.

When I slipped the necklace into her hand she smiled that beautiful smile of hers, and I considered myself adequately thanked. Then I settled back to enjoy the church meeting. As enthralling as church was that day, I did notice a couple of things about Kayla. For one thing, although she wore the candy necklace around her neck, I didn’t see her actually eating the candy. By way of comparison, my son Jon had his necklace consumed and was asking for more before we sang the final “Alleluia” in the opening hymn. The other thing I noticed was that she seemed quite intent on something she was drawing. I couldn’t see it, but whatever it was it certainly had her attention—so much so that she paid almost no attention to the candy strung around her neck.

When the service ended I stood to leave. Then I noticed something small and cute in the aisle beside me. It was Kayla. She didn’t say a word. She just handed a piece of paper to me. It was the picture that she had been working on throughout the meeting. It showed a tall stick figure man with glasses and most of his hair, holding a candy necklace in his hand. Next to him was a shorter stick figure girl with long dark hair, gorgeous eyes, and a beautiful smile. Over her head was a cartoon balloon with these words: “Thank you.”

It was a lovely gift and a marvelous work of art—far more valuable than the candy bauble I had presented to her. As I thanked her for her gift, I noticed that she was finally starting to eat the candy that I had given to her.

“It looks like your Daddy wouldn’t let you eat your candy until after church,” I observed.
She shook her head seriously. “I could eat it,” she said, shyly. “I just wanted to say ‘thank you’ first.”

I was touched by the gesture and inspired by her message. It was so important to her to say “thank you” that she couldn’t really enjoy the treat until she had expressed her gratitude.
That’s why there’s a new piece of art in the gallery that is beginning to fill the nooks and crannies of my office. Kayla’s picture is the first to be so enshrined that wasn’t created by one of my offspring. I’m including it as a way of reminding me to be grateful.

First.

Time to Give Thanks!

I know we already had a post about Gratitude, but it is November and only a few weeks before Thanksgiving, so I thought it was a good opportunity to re-visit the subject. But this post is going to be a little different. I do believe that focusing on gratitude is one of the best ways to create abiding joy in our lives. So, this week's post comes in the form of a challenge, or assignment, if you will.

Let us all send a note of gratitude and appreciation to at least one person this week. Then, if you don't mind, please share about it here. You can tell what you appreciate about the person(s) you thanked, or their response, or if writing and delivering the note had any positive effect on you. I expect it will because expressing gratitude always makes me feel happier. It's kind of like a higher form of a compliment.

So, go out and be grateful!

Creating Joy

I hope you all had a fun week sharing compliments with those around you! Thank you for your insight and examples of both sharing and receiving compliments.

You may remember that about a month ago, I referenced a talk given by President Dieter Uchtdorf (of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints). In it he spoke about "two principles that may help you find a path to peace, hope, and joy—even during times of trial and distress." They are creating and compassion. We talked about compassion and service already. This week I would like to discuss "creating".

If you would like to read his talk in its entirety, click here. I highly recommend it. I love the way he speaks! This is what President Uchtdorf said specifically about creating:

"The Work of Creation
The desire to create is one of the deepest yearnings of the human soul. No matter our talents, education, backgrounds, or abilities, we each have an inherent wish to create something that did not exist before.

Everyone can create. You don’t need money, position, or influence in order to create something of substance or beauty.

Creation brings deep satisfaction and fulfillment. We develop ourselves and others when we take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty—and I am not talking about the process of cleaning the rooms of your teenage children.

You might say, “I’m not the creative type. When I sing, I’m always half a tone above or below the note. I cannot draw a line without a ruler. And the only practical use for my homemade bread is as a paperweight or as a doorstop.”

If that is how you feel, think again, and remember that you are spirit daughters of the most creative Being in the universe. Isn’t it remarkable to think that your very spirits are fashioned by an endlessly creative and eternally compassionate God? Think about it—your spirit body is a masterpiece, created with a beauty, function, and capacity beyond imagination.

But to what end were we created? We were created with the express purpose and potential of experiencing a fulness of joy.4 Our birthright—and the purpose of our great voyage on this earth—is to seek and experience eternal happiness. One of the ways we find this is by creating things.

If you are a mother, you participate with God in His work of creation—not only by providing physical bodies for your children but also by teaching and nurturing them. If you are not a mother now, the creative talents you develop will prepare you for that day, in this life or the next.

You may think you don’t have talents, but that is a false assumption, for we all have talents and gifts, every one of us.5 The bounds of creativity extend far beyond the limits of a canvas or a sheet of paper and do not require a brush, a pen, or the keys of a piano. Creation means bringing into existence something that did not exist before—colorful gardens, harmonious homes, family memories, flowing laughter.

What you create doesn’t have to be perfect. So what if the eggs are greasy or the toast is burned? Don’t let fear of failure discourage you. Don’t let the voice of critics paralyze you—whether that voice comes from the outside or the inside.

If you still feel incapable of creating, start small. Try to see how many smiles you can create, write a letter of appreciation, learn a new skill, identify a space and beautify it.

Nearly a century and a half ago, President Brigham Young spoke to the Saints of his day. “There is a great work for the Saints to do,” he said. “Progress, and improve upon and make beautiful everything around you. Cultivate the earth, and cultivate your minds. Build cities, adorn your habitations, make gardens, orchards, and vineyards, and render the earth so pleasant that when you look upon your labors you may do so with pleasure, and that angels may delight to come and visit your beautiful locations. In the mean time continually seek to adorn your minds with all the graces of the Spirit of Christ.”6

The more you trust and rely upon the Spirit, the greater your capacity to create. That is your opportunity in this life and your destiny in the life to come. Sisters, trust and rely on the Spirit. As you take the normal opportunities of your daily life and create something of beauty and helpfulness, you improve not only the world around you but also the world within you."

I love this concept in relation to joy. He is right, everyone has the ability to create something. And something of worth. I know of at least three photographers who read this blog and I think all of their work is amazing! I've always admired and envied my older sister's piano ability. When she plays it seems so effortless and amazing. My brother's wives made my little sister's wedding cake and I SO wished they had done mine. It was incredibly beautiful. My little sister just created a huge change in the way scholarships are handled at her university. I would have never had the gumption to put forth the effort she had to to accomplish that. Right now I have a cute Frankenstein hanging out in my window that was painted by my mom years ago. She used to tole paint a lot and I absolutely love all the things she created to decorate our home. Okay, so obviously, I could go on and on. The point is, I can think of so many different things that those of you that I know have and can create. Even when it's hard. This blog isn't something I ever imagined creating, but here it is. Of course, I am lucky because I have all of your help in doing this!

The two points that really stuck out to me about finding joy through creation are:

1. Don't worry so much about the outcome. Even if it ends up like "burnt toast" on the first, second, or tenth try, you still grow from it. And you can still enjoy it! Especially if you have a sense of humor about it like President Uchtdorf. I made my kids Halloween costumes this year. They ended up being A LOT more work than I anticipated and they didn't turn out as well as I had hoped, but I still enjoyed the process. And I was really proud of myself in the end because anything involving sewing is quite a stretch for me. And the kids absolutely loved the costumes and didn't care one bit about the imperfections.

2. I'm just going to quote this again-- "Nearly a century and a half ago, President Brigham Young spoke to the Saints of his day. “There is a great work for the Saints to do,” he said. “Progress, and improve upon and make beautiful everything around you. Cultivate the earth, and cultivate your minds. Build cities, adorn your habitations, make gardens, orchards, and vineyards, and render the earth so pleasant that when you look upon your labors you may do so with pleasure, and that angels may delight to come and visit your beautiful locations. In the mean time continually seek to adorn your minds with all the graces of the Spirit of Christ.”" I love that. I think it speaks for itself.

So, what types of things do you create? What creations bring you joy? Have the creations of others brought you joy?

I Think You Are Great!

First I want to mention that I created an email account specifically for this blog (thanks for the idea, Belky!). You can send me messages at abidingjoyblog@gmail.com. If you are interested in being a guest blogger, please use this address!


Next I wanted to mention something I came across while reading the Ensign this week that related to last Sunday's topic. It was last July's issue. There was an article that reminded me of the experience of Paul. He asked the Lord to remove an unspecified "thorn in the flesh", but the Lord did not. Instead He told Paul, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:7-9). What a great reminder/example of having unwavering faith and the blessings for doing so!

Now for this week's topic--paying compliments. This is something that has been on my mind lately because KN has recently started offering unsolicited compliments. It has been interesting to witness first hand the compliments and how they are received, and yet be uninvolved. For example, one day we were walking out of our gym as a woman was walking in and KN stated emphatically, "I like your belt!" We have never seen this woman before so both she and I were a little surprised, but I could see in her face how much she appreciated this genuine compliment from such an unexpected source. And I experienced it myself yesterday when she said, "These are wonderful pancakes, Mommy!" while eating pumpkin pancakes I made for breakfast. The other thing I've noticed while watching these exchanges is the smile on KN's face when she sees the smile on the other persons face. There isn't necessarily a smile when she delivers the compliment, but there is always a smile after she realizes that she made the other person happier.

Compliments do, of course, feel great to receive. But we can't control how or when we are complimented, so that is not a good plan for increasing joy. What we can control is how often and how sincerely we compliment others. I don't know if any of you are like me, but I have been guilty many times of thinking a compliment in my head so many times without ever sharing it. Why?! I'll see a friend and think, "Wow! I LOVE her haircut!" and then keep it to myself. Silly. It always feels good to tell someone something nice about themselves. So, several months ago, I made a commitment to myself to express every compliment I think. That's really easy when it's someone I know, but for some reason it's still a struggle when it's a stranger. But every time I've followed through, I've felt better after. It's fun to make people smile. And compliments always make people smile.

I think women in general used to be more connected to each other. But now we put up invisible walls and second guess ourselves around each other. We always wonder what the other woman will think if we reach out. So, how often do we just dismiss the thought and pass up on the opportunity to brighten some one's day? What are we afraid of? That some woman is going to think less of you for telling her she has a really cute outfit, or that you love her hairstyle? Probably not. It hasn't happened to me yet. So far, I've only seen smiles and gratitude in response and I feel better about myself afterward, too. And, at least for a moment, I feel a little more connected to someone.

Pretty much all of the women I know are amazing. And yet, we are so hard on ourselves. So, let's help each other out a bit by expressing to one another all the good we see. I have a friend who always makes me smile and feel happier, just from being with her. So, I wrote her a note to tell her how much I admire and appreciate that. I have other friends who are incredible moms and so many women that are great examples to me in all areas and walks of life. I need to tell them! So, my challenge to you this week is to let go of inhibitions and start building each other up. Don't hold back. Look for things to appreciate in each other because they're there.

And get excited because here is one thing that will bring you joy and it's so easy, even a 3 1/2 year old can do it!

Have a Little Faith

As you can probably guess from the title, this post is about faith. I will be sharing some of my beliefs because that is what I know. I look forward to learning how your faith helps you to find comfort and joy.

I think every study ever done on the subject has shown that having faith in something helps people be happier. Even those with depression and anxiety. You can click on the link titled "Faith" on the side and it will take you to one such study, detailing the effect of faith on people dealing with stress.

When I'm going through a trial, faith is always what sees me through. Sometimes I forget and try to do it alone, but I always end up feeling discouraged and overwhelmed. Becky made reference to a talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland called "Abide in Me". It made a deep impression on me when I first read it and that was actually the inspiration for the title of our blog. In it he quotes John 15:1, 4, 5 where Christ said, “I am the true vine, and … ye are the branches.” “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.”

He continues, "“Abide in me” is an understandable and beautiful enough concept in the elegant English of the King James Bible, but “abide” is not a word we use much anymore. So I gained even more appreciation for this admonition from the Lord when I was introduced to the translation of this passage in another language. In Spanish that familiar phrase is rendered “permaneced en mi.” Like the English verb “abide,” permanecer means “to remain, to stay,” but even gringos like me can hear the root cognate there of “permanence.” The sense of this then is “stay—but stay forever.” "

I love that concept. I can't imagine anything greater. When my life is going well, it's fairly easy to stay faithful in Christ. And having that faith definitely brings me joy. I know that God loves me and is blessing my life and that makes me happy. I appreciate all that I have that much more because I know that they come from God. It also gives me hope for eternal life with God, my Savior, and my family. What could bring more joy than that?

So why is it that when I'm facing something difficult I try to do it on my own or even get frustrated with God and my Savior? I have a few theories, but that's not really the point. The point is, when I turn toward Them and pray for help, guidance, and comfort, it always comes. I believe that our Savior experienced all our trials and therefore knows not only how we feel, but how to comfort and heal us. I believe it because I've experienced it.

My problem is that I sometimes just want Him to take my trial away. I often look at my life and I think I could do so much more if I never experienced depression. I try to remember that we have to have trials in order to grow. My children would never learn to walk if I didn't let them try, even though the trying results in a lot of hard work and even a lot of falls and maybe some bruises. But I let them fall and get up and try again because I love them and I want them to grow and develop. So it is with us. Fortunately, even though He may not remove our trials He can make them easier to endure. And having faith in Him gives me hope. I have hope that I am gaining valuable experience from my trials; I have hope that I can endure my trials well; I have hope that I will be able to receive all that the Father has promised. Without faith, there is not hope. And without hope, I'm not sure that there can be true joy either.

Why can't I always remember that and have unwavering faith? I don't know. I guess there's still a lot of room for growth for me. How do you stay focused on your faith all the time? How do you change your perspective when you feel like life isn't fair? What helps you to abide in your faith at all times? How does your faith enhance your joy? How does your faith help you to find joy even in the midst of trial?

In closing, I want to share a verse from the Book of Alma in the Book of Mormon. It's in chapter 33, verse 23. The prophet Alma is finishing a wonderful discourse on faith and closes with these words "And then may God grant unto you that your burdens may be light, through the joy of his Son. And even all this can ye do if ye will."

Joy in the Journey

Thank you all so much! I really appreciate the feedback and encouragement. I'm trying to incorporate your advice and suggestions.

I am so excited about the response for guest bloggers! I have contemplated posting my email, but I hesitate because this is an open blog. We have readers from all over the place! I think that is fantastic, but since I don't know everyone, I'm nervous. So, I'll keep thinking about that one. For now, just let me know in a comment if you are ready to be a guest blogger and then, if we don't already have each other's email address, we'll figure something out.

I've decided to post every Sunday (probably at night) instead of Mondays and Thursdays, as was suggested. It's been difficult to find the time to do it during the week and we'll have more time to discuss.

As far as comments on past topics, I set it up so that I will be notified if anyone comments on a post from 8 or more days ago. If that happens, I will let you know.

Someone requested a discussion about enjoying the journey and not just focusing on the destination. Since that goes right along with the overall theme of the blog, I thought that was a great idea! What are the things that you do daily to capitalize on the joy in your life?

Here is some excellent advice from prophet President Thomas S. Monson--"Finding Joy in the Journey". If you only have time to read one thing, read that.

If you have more time, here are some of my suggestions:

Laughter. This one is a no-brainer. Laughing makes you feel better all over. Laughing when things don't go as planned is especially helpful for me. I am a planner and so when things don't go as planned, that can really blind me from the joy in life. My husband is making calzones as I type. We've always used grated cheese in the past, but I noticed that his mom's recipe says to use sliced cheese. That seems a lot easier and less messy, so I bought a ball of mozzarella instead of shredded. I just walked in to find the whole thing freshly grated by my sweet HH. I just laughed and walked away. Obviously, that's a really small example, but it just happened so that's what came to mind. Looking for reasons to laugh is a great way to enjoy the journey.

Playing with children. This one is easy for me since I'm with my two kids all day. But even if you don't have kids of your own, borrow one or two and get playing. (Mine are up for grabs if you can't find any). Follow their lead. Children always make you feel special and appreciated. They take joy in small and simple things. They love to be silly. They're so stinkin' cute! They know that dressing up like a cowboy/princess/chef is WAY more important than vacuuming the living room. And really, it is. For maximum joy finding, combine this with the aforementioned laughter. There is nothing better than sharing a great big belly laugh with a little child. Nothing.

Gratitude. I know I already mentioned this, but it's true. A thankful heart is a happy heart. Be grateful for the small things around you. I really appreciated what Amy said about being thankful to Heavenly Father. When I remember to express gratitude to Him for my blessings, I can feel His love for me even stronger. Knowing that God loves and cares about me enough to bless me with so many great things brings me the greatest joy and peace.

Stop and smell the roses. And look at them. And touch them. And fully appreciate them. Yesterday we drove to the Boston Temple. As you probably know, New England is kind of famous for beautiful fall foliage. This year seems to be the most beautiful since we moved here. So, yesterday's drive was spectacular, to say the least. But every so often, I would realize I was too caught up in what was going on inside the car that I hadn't really looked outside in a while. And I felt so disappointed for the beauty I had most certainly missed! Fortunately, the trees are abundant here, so there were still beautiful sights to see. I just wanted to make sure I saw and appreciated them all since this only lasts a few weeks a year.

Occasionally as we drove (it's kind of a long drive), I thought about how ugly the highway and cell phone towers were in the midst of all the beauty.Fortunately, I was a lot more focused on the trees than the other ugly sights.

So, I learned two life lessons in reflecting on that. 1. Don't get so caught up inside myself. Remember to look outside and focus on the great people and things surrounding me. And 2. No matter where we are or what we are doing, we can find both beauty and ugliness. We get to choose what to focus on. I know I often get so caught up in the yuckiness of the trials or even daily chores that I forget to lift my eyes to the beauty and joy around me. And then when I do, I'm amazed at how I could have not noticed all the amazingly joyful things I'm surrounded by every day. Just a simple shift in focus opens us up to so much joy!

Take a Break for Fun. I think women tend to think that they have to do everything on their to-do list before they can take care of themselves. Not true. I am very goal-oriented. When I start something, I feel I should just keep trudging along until it's done. Whatever the task, that's the way I'm inclined to tackle it. Even when we go hiking, I don't like to stop for breaks. I just want to get to the top. That's a great example in enjoying the journey, right?! My HH is not like this. He likes to take frequent breaks from whatever he's doing. That drove me crazy when we first got married. I would be in the middle of sweeping the floor and he would want to dance with me. Sounds cute, right? It took me a while to see it that way. And to realize that it was better his way. There are probably enough items on all of our "to-do" lists to keep us busy long past when we're dead. If you don't take breaks for fun, or even schedule it in, you'll never get to it.

Spread Loving kindness. I got this one from the book Happy for No Reason. I really recommend that book. The basic gist of this is to mentally send love and kindness to all those around you. I don't always remember to do it and I have to be in the right mood, too. But whenever I do it, it always puts a smile on my face and I feel so much more peace and joy within. The first time I read it, I thought it sounded ridiculous, so I don't blame you if that's what you're thinking. But give it a shot before you discount it. I like to do it when I'm driving. Everyone around me always seems so stressed out and in such a hurry. So, I like to mentally wish them all well. I feel so much more connected to other people when I do this. And like I said, I can't help but smile and feel better about everyone around me. Then instead of being annoyed with the guy who illegally passes me for going 30 mph in a residential neighborhood, I feel bad that he feels so rushed and I hope he makes it to his destination safely.

Anyway, these are just a few basic ways that I try to find joy in the everyday things and to remember that this life is all about the journey and how we choose to travel it. Thanks for the suggestion, it's been a great reminder for me! I can't wait to hear your ideas!

A Gratitude Attitude

First I just want to send out a great big "Thank You!" to those of you who have linked this blog to your blog and especially all those who have posted about this blog on your blog. I am touched and grateful for it. The more people reading and commenting, the more we all benefit. So, thanks.

On that note, today's topic is Gratitude. I think I already mentioned that I feel very guided in how I do this blog. The idea for this post came to me on Thursday. As I mentioned last Monday, this is the time of year that the leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake speak to all of us all over the world. Last weekend was just for the women and this weekend was for everyone. I couldn't believe how many of the speakers talked about both joy and gratitude. It was amazing. I took notes as best as I could, but it's hard with two little ones running around begging to be played with and read stories to. But repeatedly, I felt very strongly that "gratitude" was the best topic for today.

Like service, gratitude forces us to rise above ourselves and notice the rest of the world. And anything that does that, helps us to close our eyes on our own worries and concerns and opens them to whatever joy surrounds us. Sometimes I have a hard time shutting off negative thoughts in the middle of the night. One method I've used to find peace (and hopefully sleep) is to list off as many things as I can think of to be grateful for. I've never run out of things to list. The best part of being grateful is the revelation of love that comes with it. Love from the people in our lives and all they are doing for us and most especially, love from our Heavenly Father as evidenced by the abundant blessings in each life. And feeling loved is one of the greatest sources of joy.

Some of the things I am grateful for include (not necessarily in order of importance):

• A loving Father in Heaven
• The life and Atonement of Jesus Christ
• My faith
• My amazing HH who has never ending patience with me in all my struggling
• My adorable and healthy children
• Wonderful parents and siblings
• Fantastic in-laws
• A healthy body
• Gooey brownies
• Sunsets
• Laughter
• Girl friends
• Autumn
• An amazing and beautiful country where I am free to do and say as I believe
• Music of all kinds

One final thought on gratitude--Express it! Who hasn't had a bad day completely turned around by someone else's expression of gratitude? Doesn't it make you feel so much better when someone is thankful for you or what you did? And there is a lot of joy to be found in making someone else feel appreciated. Those of you have expressed gratitude to me for doing this blog have given me so much. You've made me feel better about my efforts and you've encouraged me to keep it going, even though I feel very inadequate to the task at times. And you've brought a smile to my face. So, thank you!

What are you grateful for? How does being grateful help you? How do you find gratitude in the midst of hard times?

Service With a Smile

First off, I want to mention that the removed comment was simply a duplicate comment. I won't ever delete any one's valuable insight! Thank you all so much for your comments. I must confess that I was feeling a little discouraged earlier in the week and you each said something that was very useful and/or encouraging to me. Thank you so much. I feel so blessed to be in my shoes.
I want to share the circumstances behind today's topic.

As I previously mentioned, I felt like was directed to begin this blog. I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While I have no intention of pushing my beliefs onto anyone of you, I will refer to its teachings and principles frequently. It is ingrained in every fiber of who I am and the life I live, so I cannot impart my experiences and musings without including pieces of my faith. But I pray that no one will be offended and that you will take away whatever good you find in it. Okay. So, a huge part of what I believe is "personal revelation", or that God will direct our lives in as much as we let Him. He does it through promptings and by placing thoughts in our minds to inspire us. That is how this blog came to be. I am a fairly open person, but all of this puts even me outside of my comfort zone.

Well, I was feeling frustrated last week because the blog wasn't going exactly as I expected and I was feeling a little lost and discouraged. As I prayed for direction, I kept feeling like I just needed to wait until Saturday night. Twice a year we are blessed to hear from the leaders of our church. They speak in Salt Lake City, Utah and it is broadcast all over the world. There is one meeting that is specifically for the women. That was last night. We listened to the three women who are leaders of the Relief Society--a huge organization of women, designed to bring relief to the poor and bring people to Christ. They each gave wonderful talks, but I'm not going to share them here. I want to discuss the *talk given by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. When he began, I felt as though he were speaking just for me. I knew this was what God had been telling me to wait for. He spoke exactly about the purpose of this blog! He recognized that women too frequently doubt their abilities and achievements, leading to frustration and disappointment. He said that we were "created to experience the fullness of joy". "The fullness of joy"--that's what we're all here in search of! He taught that there are two principles to find the path to peace, happiness, and joy: 1. Create something beautiful, and 2. Be compassionate.

While I think both principles are equally worthwhile, today I want to focus on being compassionate, or serving. One of the main things I've learned about depression is that it feeds off of self-centeredness. I know that because I've been there. It's easy to get really down when you focus only on yourself. And the best antidote for that is to serve. Service forces you to focus on others. President Uchtdorf said, "when we reach out to bless the lives of others, our own lives are blessed as well. As we lift others, we rise a little ourselves." That is so true.

When my depression first began (and I was still in denial), I was working as a waitress. I was almost always in a horrible mood when I arrived, but I knew that grumpiness didn't earn good tips, so I forced a smile. I chatted with my customers about how they were doing and did all I could to ensure that their meal was as enjoyable as possible. This may not seem like true "service", because I was getting paid to do it, but I really did put all my effort into it. As a result, I did get higher tips, but I also was happy again before more than a couple hours passed. Then I would go home at the end of my shift and quickly sink back into my dark hole. Unfortunately, I didn't realize what the difference was until long after that job was over. My poor HH.

Another thing I've learned about depression is that when I'm really down, serving someone else seems nearly impossible. This is because of the lethargy that we've mentioned, and the negative self-talk (i.e. I have so little to offer, who would want it anyway?). But I know that it is more than worthwhile. I can't think of a single time that I've offered service and not been lifted from it.

What have you learned about the effects of service on your level of happiness? How do you get yourself past the feelings of tiredness and doubt and serve anyway? What are some of your favorite simple acts of service?

*I know this talk will be posted in its entirety within the next few weeks on http://www.lds.org/. I highly recommend reading it.

Creating a Joyful Life

Thank you for your responses on the last post. Since the majority of those were direct to me via email, phone, or in person, my HH (Hot Hubby) suggested allowing anonymous comments. So, if you have something to share, but are feeling shy, you can now leave a comment anonymously. I would really like you to leave comments since we'll all benefit a lot more that way. I can offer limited insight since it's different for all of us.

Also, I was discussing with a friend the different levels of depression. I am hoping that this site can benefit people at all levels, from just having a down day to extended periods of sadness. That being said, this is, of course, not meant to treat depression or anxiety. If you are dealing with extended and/or extreme sadness, please seek medical attention right away. I have had successful experiences with both counseling and medication and would recommend trying whatever seems best for you.

Okay, onto today's topic. After I was forced to admit I had depression, I wanted to rebuild my life. That was an overwhelming concept! Thankfully, I was inspired to create a weekly schedule. Unfortunately, I can't figure out how to add it here. So, I'll give you the basics.

I did it as a spreadsheet, so you can picture that in your mind. And I named it "Good Life", in the hopes it would help me create one. I listed every day of the week at the top and then going down the side I listed the important categories in my life (not in order of importance): Home, Spiritual, Physical, Educational, HH, KN (my daughter--my son wasn't around yet), Emotional/Personal, Social. Then I put things to do for each one under each day. Somethings are for every day and some are just for one day.



Home: Straighten (every day), Bake something, Vacuum, Dust, Kitchen, Vacuum, Bathrooms, Bathtub, Blinds

Spiritual: Scripture study (every day), Read lesson manual (I taught a Sunday School class), Write in journal

HH: Family Home Evening (a weekly activity/lesson we do as a family), Neck massage, Talk, Date
KN: Read a book (every day), write in her journal, learn ABC's, Play with Play-doh, play at the park, Do a puzzle, Color together, Go for a walk
Physical: 30-60 min. walk (every day), sit ups, weights, stretch (every day), Be in bed by 10 PM, Drink 4 water bottles/day
Emotional/Personal: Do hair and make up (every day), Say 5 positive affirmations (every day)
Educational: Read a book (every day)
Social: Call 1 sibling, Go somewhere public, Call a far away friend, Call a local friend, Hang out with a friend(s), Go on a date with HH



So, you can see it was nothing major and now some of those things seem really basic (like doing my make up). But at the time it was all a stretch for me. And a big part of why I was depressed was because I felt like I never accomplished anything. I never accomplished anything because I got overwhelmed when I tried to determine what to do with my time. Laying it all out on paper really simplified things for me. And it forced me to do things (I made a commitment to myself to do everything on the spreadsheet each day--without any pressure if something came up and I had to miss a day). Most days I just didn't feel like doing anything. Well, what could be more depressing than days full of nothing! I shouldn't say "nothing" because I had KN with me all day, but I really wasn't doing much of anything each day. I was blessed with a very low maintenance daughter who could cope with that.

I just want to comment specifically on a few of the items from my "Good Life". First, I believe a clean house is essential to feeling well. That doesn't mean spotless. Just straightening once a day will go a long way in restoring inner peace. Second, I believe having faith in something is also essential but that will be left for another day as it is a much bigger topic. Next, I tried to focus on serving the people in my family and keeping it all small and do-able. Next, how many of you put off taking care of yourself b/c there's not enough time? Make time. This is another subject that deserves it's own post, so I'll leave that for today. Along those same lines is doing hair and make up each day. It's about taking care of yourself. No matter what you tell yourself, you deserve that. You do. I had days where I never even got out of my pajamas because no one but KN saw me during the day (my HH sometimes has to work really long hours). But it only made things worse because I looked outwardly the same way I felt inwardly. Next, being a mom is challenging, but not necessarily stimulating. I think lifelong learning is also essential to happiness. That's why we have such amazing minds! And lastly, I know socializing is one of the last things you feel like doing when you're down. That's why it's so important! When you're with someone else (on the phone or in person), you have to move outside yourself at least a little. And so you can forget, at least a little bit, how yucky you feel inside. Or, you can confide in them and find the reassuring comfort we talked about on Monday. Either way, it's a win.

So, start with wherever you're at and add on. Look at what you want to accomplish. Break it down into daily or weekly tasks and schedule it in. We started this blog talking about how our lives are too full and busy to find peace and joy, so why am I tell you to add more in? I'm not. When you determine what really matters to you, then look at what doesn't matter and cut it out. At least some of it. But keep your desired result in mind. Don't cut out things that bring you joy even if they seem less worthy. Just make sure it's real joy. For example, I can spend a whole lot of time reading people's blogs every day. But a phone call to one of my sisters really renews me. So, I might schedule a phone call with my sister and leave the blogging for a day when I have some extra time.

That being said, I still struggle with doing what is truly important in life. It seems like it's so much easier to blog than make dinner, or watch TV than go to bed on time. How do you do it? How do you determine what is important in life? How do you follow through? Is it easier to find joy when your life is organized, or is it just me?

My Story

I've been working on this blog for weeks now. I've written the intro in my head dozens of times and they've all been great. But then I put my fingers to the keyboard and nothing comes out right. So, I'm just going to try to briefly explain why I'm doing this and what my goals are for this blog.
In a way, I've been working on this for over a year. After giving birth to my second child, I felt great for about 6 weeks and then everything tanked. Postpartum depression hit with a bang and my body just fell apart. It was all I could do to get out of bed every morning and then sit on the couch until my husband came home at night. He took over almost everything--the cooking, the cleaning, the parenting. I just tried to survive each day. I've dealt with depression for several years, so I knew how to get help for that. But the extreme exhaustion stuck around. I began researching different things and then went to the doctor to be tested for Adrenal Fatigue, even though I was already certain I had it.
As I sat in the doctor's office I saw a magazine headline, "How to Fake a Good Night's Sleep". And it hit me--that is the problem of so many of us women today. We're trying to be everything to everyone and of course, coming up short. So, we try to fake it. That's so stressful! And that's why I was sitting where I was sitting. Because I had tried to be the perfect wife and the perfect mother for so long that my body had given way under all the stress. And when I couldn't I felt like I had to make the world believe that I was anyway. I felt like the whole world was watching and judging my every move. If I bought a frozen pizza, I knew the cashier was thinking what a horrible mom I was for not giving my family a home cooked meal. If I walked during a morning run, I knew that everyone driving by was thinking how weak I was for not being able to finish my workout. If my kids didn't look perfect, I knew everyone would wonder what was wrong with me. If my husband didn't have a great lunch to take to work, I knew his co-workers would think I was a terrible wife. And the list goes on and on and on.
Sound familiar? I know it does to some of you because I've talked to you and learned that you feel the same way. And yet, when the tables are turned, I would never judge any of you to be those things. We're all willing to cut each other slack but there's none left for ourselves.
And that leads to the title of my blog--"Abiding Joy". I made that the title because that is my goal. I'm trying to stop wasting my energy appearing to have a perfect life and start spending my energy on appreciating what I really have. I really have a great life, one that should be full of joy. But I'm so busy putting myself down that although I can see the joy in my life, I can't really reach it. It's like standing outside a bakery window seeing and smelling all the wonderful pastries, but not being able to taste any of them. Why can I recognize that I have a wonderful husband, two healthy and adorable children, a great family, and fabulous friends, but I can't always feel the joy that all of those things should bring?
I'm learning things that help and I want to share those things with anyone else who can benefit from them. I also want input from anyone else who has gone, or is going through something similar. This includes depression and anxiety because I think that it is all very similar and connected. I think my lifestyle breeds stress which then breeds depression and anxiety. But I also deal with clinical depression. I have finally accepted that. I also finally accept that it isn't a sign of any weakness or defect on my part. Like someone with diabetes, it's a condition I have. That doesn't mean that I'm depressed all the time, thankfully! But I know that I will have bad days and good days, just like everyone else. But what I want is to not feel so distant from the joy in my life when I am having one of those bad days. And I definitely could feel it more even on my good days.
So, this is just a forum for us to share and discuss and learn to let the joy in and to make it stay so that we all can experience abiding joy.