I decided to stop doing the day thing since my posting is so very sporadic--both in timing and in subject.
I'm not really sure where to begin with this post, as is so often the case. I just feel on the tip of some new bit of clarity and I felt prompted to try and sort it out here.
The thing is... I'm not doing very well.
This comes after having three totally stable days last week (no extreme ups, no extreme downs, just able to function like a "normal" person) and one 95% stable day. It was fantastic. I was able to get caught up on so many things I've fallen behind on over the past couple of months. And HH had a bit of relief from worrying about me all the time. And I got to help my kids with their school work and carry on normal conversations with them and even host a few playdates with their friends.
And then it all came crashing down. Big time.
And I keep thinking I'm on my way back up. And in some ways I am. I don't feel overly depressed, or anxious, or any of that stuff. For the most part, I feel okay. Not great or happy, but okay.
But the problem is, the darkest of my thoughts just keep coming.
And I'm getting so tired of fighting them off.
In some ways, it's even harder to keep fighting when I'm doing *mostly* okay than it is when I'm severely depressed. Because right now it just feels so unfair. And inexplicable. And I don't understand it. And it scares me because it feels like this fight will never end. Not even pause to give me a brief reprieve.
I'm exhausted from finding things to do to keep myself busy and distracted.
But, I've been thinking a lot about faith.
If you've read my prior posts, I hope you know that I most definitely have faith in Jesus Christ. Somewhere I remember hearing or reading about the difference between believing in Jesus Christ, versus simply believing Him.
And I think that is where my struggles currently lie. I believe in Christ and all of His promises. But, I think there is something in the way of my believing that all of that actually applies to me too. He says that He gives us weaknesses so we will humble ourselves and turn to Him, so He can make us strong and so we can sit down with Him in the place He has prepared for us in the mansions of His Father (Ether 12).
I believe that.
But, it's harder to believe in it.
Because believing in it means that I have to keep fighting. It means that no matter how hard things get, I don't get to say that I'm quitting because I'm just not strong enough. It means that I have to trust that I've been given the strength I need to keep fighting, no matter how dark or how scary or how much I want to just give in and give up.
And even though the alternative of trusting and persevering is pretty unthinkable, it still means I would finally get a break from all of my demons.
But I know that the reasons to keep fighting vastly outweigh the reasons to quit.
So, I choose to have faith. The kind of faith that means truly trusting those promises. That is the kind of faith that brings about hope. I think that hope is what gives us the strength to face the challenges we'd rather not face.
Today HH told me that I'm a fighter and that he's grateful I keep fighting.
I don't feel like a fighter. So, I'm going to start out by having faith in his faith and hope that that's enough to give me the strength I need to get through today. And I'm going to be grateful that I have a man like HH in my life who never gives up on me and always believes in me and is often the source of strength I need to keep fighting. And always encouraging me with the hope that tomorrow will be a better day.
