Friday, May 30, 2014

Day 96: Still Looking For That

I've had my moments of finding a positive attitude this week.  But, mostly, my attitude has been far less than positive.

And I clearly did a poor (as in, nonexistent) job of posting Joyful Moments here.

So, I'm trying again.  One of my good friends is always saying, "It's okay.  I'm a work in progress."  So, I'm trying to adopt that mantra.  Including with this blog.

I've been seriously struggling the past few days to find a positive anything.  And nothing good comes from that.

Here goes.

I'm going to go back a couple of days.

Wednesday's Joyful Moment was getting a text from a friend.  I miss my friends and my life back at the North Pole SO much.  I keep reminding myself that I know we're are supposed to be here and that good things will happen here.

But, that doesn't make me miss what we had any less.

So, hearing from a friend (and knowing that I'm being missed in return) was just the boost my sad heart needed Wednesday night.

Yesterday's Joyful Moment was snuggles with Darling A.  Granted, they came because she had fallen and hit her head, which is clearly NOT joyful.  But, even after she calmed down, she stayed and snuggled in my lap.  And I needed that snuggly contact so much just then.

So far, today's Joyful Moment was having breakfast ready for my mom before she had to hurry off to the DMV.  It was kind of an accident, but I'm really happy it worked out.  Especially, because she's been making breakfasts for my kids while I sleep in (or mope in bed) every morning since we got here.

And now, I have to go separate two boys who cannot stop fighting this morning.  So, that appears to be all the positive I can muster for now.

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Day 95: I Need A Better Attitude

HH told me that.  Pretty emphatically.  A few times.

Which is not to say that he doesn't listen to me have a bad attitude.  Over and over again.  Because he has.  Quite patiently.

But I still freaked out.  And started feeling super guilty for always being the downer in his life.  So, I didn't want to talk to him.  Because there really isn't much I can come up with that's positive right now. This move is so stressful, I'm saying good bye to all of my friends, and I'm so stressed about finding a new house.

And the next step from here.

We're moving into my parents' home.  I am so incredibly grateful to them and for them for being so willing to let us come stay at their house for an indefinite amount of time.  That has been such a relief to not have to worry about where we're going to stay in the interim period.

But, there is one problem with it.  Their house is going to be full.  Full of people I love, thank goodness.  But, one thing I learned last summer is how much I really need my own space and my own routine and my own time.

Just having the older two (non-napping) kids home created struggles for me.  And, of course, I love and adore them!  But, it meant that I never had a window of time that was my own during the day.

So, the prospect of moving into a full house is kind of freaking me out.

But, I'm not supposed to be worrying about the future.  Because I can't control it and I'm probably imagining things worse than they really will be.

But, I remembered heading into the fall last year and my therapist asking why I had made a subtle, yet steady, decline from stability and positivity to stress and sadness.  And realizing that the only thing was that small fact of not having my own time.

So, I get back to the point of freaking out.  Because I don't want to head into the downward spiral that lead me to the hospital last year.

But, it's okay.

And I really don't have any control over things from where I sit at this moment.

So, I'm going to follow HH's counsel and I'm going to try to have a better attitude.

Which means I'm going to *attempt* another go with the daily posts.  Although, given that we're moving tomorrow, this might not be the very best timing.  I'm going to try anyway.

Today (and several days prior), my Joyful Moments have come from special moments and visits with many of my friends.  I am humbled each time someone makes a special effort to stop by for one final hug.  I am so blessed to have been accepted and loved by some truly amazing women.

And we're going to skip over the part where my heart breaks a little more every time that hug ends and we have to say good bye.

Because we're sticking with the positive.  For tonight, at least.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Day 94: Me Without HH

Just doesn't work.

I don't know how to be without him.  It's not just about missing him or needing his help around the house and with the kids.  I just don't know how to be without him.  I'm coming apart at the edges.  And it's just coming in closer and closer before I'm suddenly completely apart.  I keep withdrawing more and more inside myself.  Like a big black hole imploding in on itself.

Or something like that.

Thankfully, my parents came for a long and *very* helpful visit. They took care of the bulk of the logistics with preparing for our move.  My dad kept very busy fixing everything he could lay his hands on.  But mostly, they gave my kids all the love and attention they could soak up.  All the love and attention I've been struggling to provide as I withdraw.

But, they left today.  And now I have to wash my own dishes.  And be a mom to my children for longer than 15 minutes at a time.

The good news is, HH is making a quick visit this weekend.  It's a surprise for the kids and I am so excited to see their faces when he walks out of our bedroom Saturday morning.  (I pick him up from the airport late Friday night).

But, I still have to get through 2 1/2 days.  Which should feel like nothing.

But, without my HH, it might as well be forever.

I need my HH.  So much.