Thursday, May 22, 2014

Day 95: I Need A Better Attitude

HH told me that.  Pretty emphatically.  A few times.

Which is not to say that he doesn't listen to me have a bad attitude.  Over and over again.  Because he has.  Quite patiently.

But I still freaked out.  And started feeling super guilty for always being the downer in his life.  So, I didn't want to talk to him.  Because there really isn't much I can come up with that's positive right now. This move is so stressful, I'm saying good bye to all of my friends, and I'm so stressed about finding a new house.

And the next step from here.

We're moving into my parents' home.  I am so incredibly grateful to them and for them for being so willing to let us come stay at their house for an indefinite amount of time.  That has been such a relief to not have to worry about where we're going to stay in the interim period.

But, there is one problem with it.  Their house is going to be full.  Full of people I love, thank goodness.  But, one thing I learned last summer is how much I really need my own space and my own routine and my own time.

Just having the older two (non-napping) kids home created struggles for me.  And, of course, I love and adore them!  But, it meant that I never had a window of time that was my own during the day.

So, the prospect of moving into a full house is kind of freaking me out.

But, I'm not supposed to be worrying about the future.  Because I can't control it and I'm probably imagining things worse than they really will be.

But, I remembered heading into the fall last year and my therapist asking why I had made a subtle, yet steady, decline from stability and positivity to stress and sadness.  And realizing that the only thing was that small fact of not having my own time.

So, I get back to the point of freaking out.  Because I don't want to head into the downward spiral that lead me to the hospital last year.

But, it's okay.

And I really don't have any control over things from where I sit at this moment.

So, I'm going to follow HH's counsel and I'm going to try to have a better attitude.

Which means I'm going to *attempt* another go with the daily posts.  Although, given that we're moving tomorrow, this might not be the very best timing.  I'm going to try anyway.

Today (and several days prior), my Joyful Moments have come from special moments and visits with many of my friends.  I am humbled each time someone makes a special effort to stop by for one final hug.  I am so blessed to have been accepted and loved by some truly amazing women.

And we're going to skip over the part where my heart breaks a little more every time that hug ends and we have to say good bye.

Because we're sticking with the positive.  For tonight, at least.

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