Thursday, November 14, 2013

DAy 46: I Am In Process

That's one of the affirmations I'm supposed to repeat to myself 2-5 times a day.

There's a part of me that cringes for multiple reasons at the very thought of it.

But, it's all a part of this new road I'm traveling down.

I love this picture.  It makes me happy in so many ways.  I love the way the back of her hair is a curly mess.  I love how tiny she looks next to HH.  I love that they are cooking together.  I love that she thinks she's big enough to sit on a bar stool.  I love my family.

That is a truth that's become permanently etched into my soul over the past few weeks.

Ah... there's so much.

People keep asking how I'm doing.  I don't really know how to answer that.

I mean, I'm fine.  I went through the darkest period of my life (please tell me it won't ever get darker than that--more challenging or difficult, fine, but not ever so bleak and hopeless, please) and I've come out the other side.  So, I'm fine.

But, the memory of it still vividly there.  There are wounds that haven't fully healed.  So, I'm scared.  And I'm hurting.  And so afraid of losing it all again and sliding right back down in it.

Because a few times I've started back down that slope.  In a relatively short period, I've gotten much stronger in some areas.  But, in others, I still have little to no resiliency against my triggers.  Like a woman at a group meeting I attended said, "It's one step forward, 10 steps back."  So, I'm discouraged and disappointed.

And I've gotten so behind in life.  The world doesn't have a pause button for when you spend your days in the hospital.  And I have this massive binder I need to read full of information and coping techniques and positive thoughts and safety plans and emergency plans we compiled during my time there.  So, I'm really overwhelmed.

I'm finally accepting that I have to make some really drastic changes in my life and my self.  I wanted, through therapy, to be able to stay the way I was (a guilt-ridden, self-loathing, egocentric perfectionist), but somehow be happy.  Because change is scary.  And I'm a little bit stubborn.  But, it is undoubtedly apparent to me that I can no longer continue down that road.  I have to take a different path.  And I can see that that path will take me closer to peace, happiness, and the person that I want to be.  So, I'm feeling really optimistic.

The nice thing about taking the wrong road for 10 years is that I know all about where to not go and what to not do.

But, I don't know much at all about this new road.  I don't know how to be that new person.  I feel really different about a lot of things.  A lot of things about myself.  Things I once believed to be quite fundamental about who I am.  So, I'm scared, confused, overwhelmed, and a little liberated all at once.

But, you never get directly from A to B.  So, I'm going to follow this road, just one step at a time.  Putting my trust in those closest to me that they will keep me safe and help me figure this out.

Anyway, I have yet to figure out how to sum all of that in one concise reply.  So, I usually just tell people, "I'm doing better."  Because, most of the time, that's true at least.


Linda said...

THANKS for your honesty courage and willingness to try. We appreciate you and we are.learning from you. Love you!

ChantlerMusic said...

Amy said...

I like the way you wrote this. How you feel so many emotions at the same time. You wrote it in a way that someone who has never been in your exact shoes, can still relate to it. Please know I'm here. I love you, no matter what you change or keep the same, I will love you forever. I'm so glad you're my sister.