Thursday, November 21, 2013

Day 49: Puzzle Pieces

Sweet P picked this dandelion for me years ago, when we lived in New England.  I've always liked this picture.

And I didn't have any pictures of a puzzle.

But, that title is applicable tonight in a couple ways.

The first is kind of a positive.  It's like all of these different pieces of my health are starting to come together and form a better picture.  Things that I've suspected for years are being explained and/or confirmed.  I've had 10 vials of blood drawn in the last week.  And a urine sample and a saliva sample. And one other unmentionable.

The results are starting to come in.  It's interesting at the very least.  And enlightening, more often than not.

I'm still not entirely sure what it all means, or how to take care of all of it.  But, I'm now taking so many pills (prescription, vitamin, and supplements) each day that I have to get a pill organizer that has a spot for morning, noon, and night for each day of the week.

I didn't expect to need that for another 50 years, or so.

Still, hopefully, I'll be feeling better physically and mentally soon.

The second application is with me being the puzzle piece.  Trying to find my place in the puzzle around me.

I've spent a lot of my life feeling like I'm a bit on the outside looking in.  Which may sound strange to those who know me.  I've always had a lot of friends.  But, I always keep them at arms length.  Sometimes I think that it's me controlling that, sometimes I think it's just because no one knows how to relate to me.  Or maybe, I don't know how to relate to them.

Because I don't fit into that puzzle.

I used to think that I just didn't really fit anywhere.

But then, I started that program at the hospital.  And I learned that I do fit.  Just not in the box I've been placed in.  Turns out I fit in with the misfits.  I connected with some of the people in the program better than others, but I related to all of them.  And they to me, as far as I could tell.  They understood things that those closest to me still don't seem to.  Not for lack of trying on the part of my loved ones.  Just because there are things you can't understand if you haven't lived them.

And even though it was really hard, that part of the program, at least, was a huge consolation and relief.  I'm not as crazy as I thought.  And even on the hard days, being around people like that really helped.

But now, I'm back in the box with all of the pieces that seem to fit so well together with each other--but not me.  "Normal" people.  People who care about me, but now I'm all the more aware of how different we are.  I feel like they aren't really sure what to do with me now.  How to talk to me, or even be around me.

And I feel lost.  And alone.  Like all of the puzzle pieces around me have been put together and I'm that last, misplaced piece, sitting alone in the box.  Things are supposed to be getting better.  So many people made all of this effort to help me.  And we changed so many things.

But, this week has still been a rough one.  I still believe things will get better, but I wish it wasn't taking so long.


Linda said...

I admire your frankness, persistence, openness, willingness, hopefulness, and endurance. You're one of my heroes, Cheryl.

RETA said...

Thank you for pouring out your heart.