Don't worry. I know I spelled that wrong. I did it on purpose.
Because I think I'm so clever.
And because I now have a legitimate excuse as to why I always feel too tired to write a new post.
I have mono.
As in mononucleosis.
And, apparently, I've had it since probably November. And, since I'm full of awesome issues, I have some lovely complications and will probably still be suffering the consequences until sometime in April.
So, that's pretty awesome.
And then, just to make things more awesome, my back started hurting.
And just kept getting worse and worse and worse and worse.
So, we wound up at Urgent Care Monday night, and then when the stuff they gave me there had no effect and I was still getting worse, the ER Tuesday morning.
Even more awesome.
And it turns out I have...
DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!
Yeah. That's it. Just really bad back pain. I felt the need to tell everyone at the hospital that I work out all the time and I'm actually in really good shape, even though, at the time, I was moving like a geriatric patient. None of them cared.
But, it made me feel better.
Maybe you've heard--I have issues.
Anyway, it's taken me about 4 days to write this post between pain and fatigue and life. Which is probably a good thing because when I initially started it, I was not in a good place. I've been so frustrated and anxious and angry and despondent. Having to seriously curtail my workout routine since December has been difficult enough on my psyche. But now, barely being able to sit up, let alone move, is incredibly frustrating. And has caused me so much anxiety.
But, I can see quite clearly that there is purpose in this. And I'm trying to cling to that. I know it will help me make changes and break addictions that need to be broken. If I let it. And I know that having to lay down pretty much all the time will help me recover from the mono quicker.
And my mama is here right now, so she and HH are taking care of pretty much everything, so I actually can do that.
Yesterday, I was reading a talk given by President Thomas S. Monson last October, I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee, where I came across this quote (I know I've already shared it with some of you):
"Our Heavenly Father, who gives us so much to delight in, also knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before."
And this is what I am trying to keep at the forefront of my consciousness. To remember that there is purpose in all trials. And that maybe the strengths I will gain from this experience will far surpass the weakening of my physical strength.
Okay, I know it's certain and not "maybe", but I'm still working on making myself believe that. Because one thing I've learned over and over in the past year and a half is that there is a big difference between knowing and believing. Knowing is nice, but believing is what causes me to make changes in my life.