Monday, December 30, 2013

Day 65: Dichotomy


So, things got really frustrating and difficult to explain or express.  Just when I thought I was figuring all of this out, the rug got pulled right out from under me.  And I just kind of tucked in like a turtle.

I'm not usually a fan of Rihanna, but this song has really struck a chord with me lately (Don't watch the official video--it's kinda freaky).  I've spent a lot of time feeling exactly that.  And wondering, "what now?"  And feeling like this whole battle is too much.  That I'll never have the energy to keep fighting it.

But, I know where that path leads.  Because I'm really good at heading down it.

So, I've been trying to hang onto my faith this time and let that guide me through.  A challenge for someone like me who really wants (needs) to have control over everything.  And a plan for the rest of forever.  And everything worked out.  Preferably neatly.

But, I know that is what I need.  Faith.  And faith begets hope.  "Wherefore, if a man have faith he must needs have hope; for without faith there cannot be any hope."

And I've just been oscillating between those two states of mind.

I suppose I'm strong enough to eventually stick to the faithful state.

But, the Adrenal Fatigue makes me so tired.  It sometimes feels all but impossible to get out of bed in the morning.  So, finding the strength to change old habits and to NOT choose the path of least resistance... well, that's hard.

But, I can do hard things, right?

1 comment:

Linda said...

YES, you can. And you have so very many times.