First off, I just want to say that I hope I didn't offend anyone with my last post. I am well aware that I have been infinitely blessed four times over. I don't want to come across as ungrateful for the four beautiful children I have and the gift of being able to bear and raise them. I don't want to seem insensitive to those that have not had that opportunity at all. I know that I am truly blessed and I am grateful.
That being said, I've been thinking a lot about all of this and trying to figure out just what exactly I'm so sad about. And I think what it mainly comes down to is just that I don't feel I had much of a choice in the matter. While I do feel that HH and I would both be happy to welcome more children into our family, I don't necessarily feel that our family is incomplete. Meaning, I'm not sure we would have more children of our own even if we could.
But, I would go about coming to that conclusion in an entirely different way than the way we did.
The truth of the matter is, however, that the decision has been made and it is time to stop mourning it and to move forward.
Yesterday morning in my scripture study I cam across this verse in The Book of Mormon, 2 Nephi 31: 20, "Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men. Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."
And I knew that I was meant to read that scripture at that moment. It is time for me to "press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope..." Because hope is the natural result of faith. And I have faith that I am following God's will for me. And I know that He is leading me down the path of happiness. So, I resolved yesterday morning to press on with faith and with hope... as best as I could.
Sometimes the sadness would creep up and I could remind it that I was moving on. Other times, it overwhelmed me and I cried. But, I think that is the way it goes when grieving over a loss.
This morning I was up early to attend Boot Camp--painful after a three week hiatus. But, it woke me up and cleared my head. So, when I returned home I was able to have a more focused scripture study and at the end I came across this quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, of the Twelve Apostles,
"Every one of us has times when we need to know things will get better... My declaration is that this is precisely what the gospel of Jesus Christ offers us, especially in times of need. There is help. There is happiness.... Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying.... It will be all right in the end. Trust God and believe in good things to come.... Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ they come."
I love Elder Holland. And that message was precisely the one I needed today. Amazing how that all works out. It felt like he was talking directly to me, to my troubled heart, at this moment.
I'm pretty sure this is one of those things that won't come until heaven. But, you know what? That's okay. Because I have so many blessings right here and now. I have a beautiful life and it is more than enough. So, I'm choosing to let go of my grief so I can embrace the joy before me and be fully present for the children I am blessed with right now.
So, I wrote myself a letter, as suggested by my therapist. Addressed to My Sad Self. A little bit silly, but I couldn't think who else to address it to. I wrote to myself of all the little things I will miss--mainly about newborn babies. And acknowledged the sadness and the loss. But, then I told myself the things I've written here. That it is time to move forward with faith and with hope. To be happy in the here and now. And to look forward with hope as well, for the time when my loss will be made whole.
Because I know that it will be.
And today, finally, that is enough.