Day 1214: Dee Doo

Or, something akin to that.

That's Darling A's way of saying "thank you".  Of course, she says it to me whenever she hands me something (a current favorite way to pass the time)--because that's what I say to her whenever she hands me something.

So, she isn't really saying anything and she doesn't use it appropriately.

But it is adorable.

And it made folding the laundry a billion times more enjoyable today.  Even when she started taking the items of clothing I'd already folded and handing them to me.

A strange thing happened in the last 24 hours.

I went to bed feeling really weighed down and sad last night.  And I woke up in a really good mood.  Among other things, I think the main game changer was remembering a reminder from my last appointment that at one point, I was a lot more accepting of the depression part of me and my life.  And not nearly so angry and frustrated.

So, I focused on changing my feelings to that.  And on reminding myself of all the progress I have made, even though I'm quick to accuse myself of being right back at the beginning.

And then I woke up feeling genuinely happy.  And so not weighed down.  And that was a great feeling.

And it's lasted for much of the rest of the day.

Which I finished off with a fantastic date with my HH at a very creative and unusual display of local theater.  Few things are better than laughing with my best friend.

Day 1213: What I Share

Sometimes I'm surprised by what I am uncomfortable sharing.

Mostly, because I am often surprised by what I am totally comfortable sharing.

This week was one of the times I didn't want to share.  But, I feel like I should.

So, I am.

I had another appointment on Tuesday.

I was a wreck on Tuesday.

I had only recently gotten over that last inexplicable bout with depression and could feel myself sinking back in.  I've been stressed about so many things over the past few weeks.  And really really really exhausted.

And then I had all of this emotional gunk going on inside about a few different things.  And I knew I should address each of them and sort through my feelings.  But I really didn't want to.  I wanted to just take it all and shove it in a garbage and get back to enjoying my happy life.

But, I couldn't.  I couldn't sort through.  I couldn't let go.

All I could do was thinking about several more stressors headed my way and the inevitable, impending doom.

I always pray for help in knowing what to discuss in my therapy sessions.  I want to make the most of them.  And, someday, be done.

This week, there really wasn't any clarity coming.  I knew I could discuss the issues I had going on, but none of them were really new.  All familiar territory for me.  And I don't go to just complain to him about whatever is ailing me, I actually want his help in the areas where I still need it.

There have been a couple other times where I haven't really known what to discuss, but I show up and the conversation just seems to naturally go where I need it most.

So, that's what I intended for Tuesday.

But, the conversation just kind of meandered.  We discussed the old issues and he kindly offered advice as if it was new and he wasn't repeating himself.  I was the only one expressing frustration at being stuck in these same places.  And then we discussed an issue I hadn't intended to share because, while it is something that's been driving me crazy lately, it's not something I thought he could help me with because it involves circumstances that I don't control.  His response was basically to give me permission to not accept ownership of any of it.  And truthfully, I didn't see how that would help at all because it involves a relationship that is very near and dear to my heart, so that approach seemed impossible.

And all the while, the children's story, You Are Special kept popping into my mind.

Near the end he finally said, "Did we discuss what you wanted to today?  What was most helpful?"

And I told him I wasn't sure.  And that I was just a total mess inside.

And I just felt angry, upset, and worked up as I drove home.  Not angry at anyone or anything specific. Just angry to still be here and to have all of this junk in the way of living a "normal" life.

And then I got home.  And I thought more about You Are Special.  And I remembered that I have currently been praying for help to be able to keep myself humble.  Because I tend to be fairly self-centered.  So, I see everything from the perspective of how it affects me.  And I had this sudden clarity.

All of the issues I have been stressing over can in one way, or another, be completely simplified if I take my own narcissism out of the equation.  And the path to this was clear--I had to visit my own Maker every day, to be reminded of His love for me.  To keep God's love for me at the forefront of my thoughts and feelings.

And that big, ugly mess inside of me dissolved into peace and relief.

So, that has been my focus this week.  Working on truly believing that God loves me.  Which involves frequent prayer, and making that my focus during my daily scripture study.  And then acting accordingly.

And it's made all the difference.

(It even got me through my birthday.  A day I've learned to dread because, try as I might to fight it, I always get crazy expectations of how everyone will love and treat me on my special day and then I am inevitably let down because someone didn't measure up and then I know that I am not really as loved nor as special as I want to be.  But this year, I managed to avoid all expectations.  And then, interestingly enough, I wound up receiving a great outpouring of love.  And instead of tainting it by hurt over what might not have happened in my favor, I was able to just enjoy and appreciate all that I have.  But, also, to know that above all else, I have a Father in Heaven who loves me unconditionally and that the presence, or lack of attention and affection from all other sources won't change that in the least.)

Day 1212: Whopper

That was today.  It was a whopper of a day.

Mostly rough.

But, the good that happened was bigger than all of the bad.

That's a little vague and cryptic, but I'm really too tired to share it all.  Basically, I'm good.  And I'm happy.  And I'm feeling much stronger (in a resilient way) than I've felt in a while.

See how nervous she is in this photo?  She was beyond stressed about school this morning.

So, the best Joyful Moment of my day was when she walked in the door this afternoon with a big smile on her face and said it was a great day.  And that her teacher is really nice.  I met her teacher at the Open House last week (Sweet P was at a church activity and missed it) and can totally verify--she's super nice.  And so perfect for Sweet P.  I consider it a mammoth of a blessing that she was placed in her class.

Anyway, they both had a great day.  And that made me SO happy!

Day 1211: Darling A Time

So, I'm still struggling.  And we still can't determine why.

It's strange because I've spent so much time analyzing and combating the "cognitive distortions" that accompany depression, so as they come, I can clearly see them for what they are.  And yet, I find myself unable to shake them, just the same.

How does that work?

I don't know.  In some ways it makes it more bearable, in some ways less.

I can't quite put my finger on the why, but I do feel that this bout is winding down.  I am hoping that a weekend with the family will be the recharge that I am in need of to kind of get me over the gap between where I am and enjoying life again.

Fortunately for me, we have stayed home all day today.  Thus far, anyway.

This summer has been so busy with activities and errands and appointments and travel.  And I'm pooped.

So, today was a rarity.  And even more rare, Baby B was gone all morning at a play date.

Which provided me with just the perfect set of circumstances to sit down and spend some quality time with Darling A at her level.

Mostly, we read books.  Just two.  But, several times each.  We talked about the pictures.  And then she'd get bored and throw the book around for a while.  I'm not sure why, but she is really into throwing things lately.

She ate (devoured) this entire tomato (from our garden!) the other day.  And looked around for more when it was all gone.

I really needed that time with her today.  She's just so fantastic.  And sweet.  And chubby.  And perfectly lovely.

And she ate up our quality time just as much as I did.

Plus, I got to help out a really good friend of mine this morning.  A friend who is constantly serving and taking care of and looking out for me.  I'm pretty sure I will be forever indebted to her for all she has done.  Which made me appreciate the opportunity to help her out all the more.

Day 1210: HH = BFF

I was kind of blindsided this weekend as I was hit with a level of depression I haven't dealt with in a while.

I'm grateful it's been so long, but at the same time, it's all the more challenging.  Because every time there is a long gap in between, I start to think that I've finally kicked it.  Or, at least, the worst of it.

The troubling thing is that we can't figure out what triggered it.  I mean, life isn't all bliss and roses right now, but none of the issues I'm dealing with are really that big.  Nothing more major than what I've dealt with the last several months without dipping this low.

So frustrating.

And... well, depressing.

Fortunately, I have an amazing HH.  Who stands by me through it all.  He has way more patience with me and my issues than I do.  And he just keeps supporting and encouraging and loving me.

I would be absolutely lost without this man.

Choosing him was the single greatest thing I've ever done in my life.  I still can't believe that he chose me.  And that he keeps choosing to stick it out with me through thick and thin.  But I'm pretty sure that makes me the luckiest girl alive.