Sometimes I'm surprised by what I am uncomfortable sharing.
Mostly, because I am often surprised by what I am totally comfortable sharing.
This week was one of the times I didn't want to share. But, I feel like I should.
So, I am.
I had another appointment on Tuesday.
I was a wreck on Tuesday.
I had only recently gotten over that last inexplicable bout with depression and could feel myself sinking back in. I've been stressed about so many things over the past few weeks. And really really really exhausted.
And then I had all of this emotional gunk going on inside about a few different things. And I knew I should address each of them and sort through my feelings. But I really didn't want to. I wanted to just take it all and shove it in a garbage and get back to enjoying my happy life.
But, I couldn't. I couldn't sort through. I couldn't let go.
All I could do was thinking about several more stressors headed my way and the inevitable, impending doom.
I always pray for help in knowing what to discuss in my therapy sessions. I want to make the most of them. And, someday, be done.
This week, there really wasn't any clarity coming. I knew I could discuss the issues I had going on, but none of them were really new. All familiar territory for me. And I don't go to just complain to him about whatever is ailing me, I actually want his help in the areas where I still need it.
There have been a couple other times where I haven't really known what to discuss, but I show up and the conversation just seems to naturally go where I need it most.
So, that's what I intended for Tuesday.
But, the conversation just kind of meandered. We discussed the old issues and he kindly offered advice as if it was new and he wasn't repeating himself. I was the only one expressing frustration at being stuck in these same places. And then we discussed an issue I hadn't intended to share because, while it is something that's been driving me crazy lately, it's not something I thought he could help me with because it involves circumstances that I don't control. His response was basically to give me permission to not accept ownership of any of it. And truthfully, I didn't see how that would help at all because it involves a relationship that is very near and dear to my heart, so that approach seemed impossible.
And all the while, the children's story, You Are Special kept popping into my mind.
Near the end he finally said, "Did we discuss what you wanted to today? What was most helpful?"
And I told him I wasn't sure. And that I was just a total mess inside.
And I just felt angry, upset, and worked up as I drove home. Not angry at anyone or anything specific. Just angry to still be here and to have all of this junk in the way of living a "normal" life.
And then I got home. And I thought more about You Are Special. And I remembered that I have currently been praying for help to be able to keep myself humble. Because I tend to be fairly self-centered. So, I see everything from the perspective of how it affects me. And I had this sudden clarity.
All of the issues I have been stressing over can in one way, or another, be completely simplified if I take my own narcissism out of the equation. And the path to this was clear--I had to visit my own Maker every day, to be reminded of His love for me. To keep God's love for me at the forefront of my thoughts and feelings.
And that big, ugly mess inside of me dissolved into peace and relief.
So, that has been my focus this week. Working on truly believing that God loves me. Which involves frequent prayer, and making that my focus during my daily scripture study. And then acting accordingly.
And it's made all the difference.
(It even got me through my birthday. A day I've learned to dread because, try as I might to fight it, I always get crazy expectations of how everyone will love and treat me on my special day and then I am inevitably let down because someone didn't measure up and then I know that I am not really as loved nor as special as I want to be. But this year, I managed to avoid all expectations. And then, interestingly enough, I wound up receiving a great outpouring of love. And instead of tainting it by hurt over what might not have happened in my favor, I was able to just enjoy and appreciate all that I have. But, also, to know that above all else, I have a Father in Heaven who loves me unconditionally and that the presence, or lack of attention and affection from all other sources won't change that in the least.)