Day 515: (Another) New Plan For My Life!

Except this one is only for a month, so I think I'll actually stick to it.  It's a lot easier for me to commit to hard things (or, at least things that are hard for me), if I know it's only for a little while.  And then I can revert to my wild ways, if I wish.

But I know that as the days wear on, it will get easier, and I'm hoping that will make it easier for me to stick to most of the changes I'm making.

This has nothing to do with that, except that they were both Joyful Moments.  How cute is this little guy trying to brush his teeth with his big sis?  Excuse the mismatched jammies.  HH got him ready for bed last night.  So, I really have no complaints about that.

Anyway, here's what I'm going to do:

Wake up at 6 AM to go for a 30-45 minute run or bike ride every weekday morning.
Introducing three new supplements suggested by my chiropractor--Vitamin D, Fish oil, and a probiotic.
Yoga at the gym at 9:15 every weekday morning.
No sweets.  None.  Nada.  Zilch.
Snacks will be fruits and veggies.
In bed by 10 PM.

I'm both super excited and terrifyingly overwhelmed.

Wish me luck!

Wishing you all Joyful Moments that simultaneously excite and terrify you!

Day 514: I'm A Warrior

So, this is another one of those very raw, personal, and somewhat lengthy posts.  And I'm pretty sure it's a downer.  Feel absolutely no obligation to read it.  But if you do, and you know me, remember to pretend that everything is fine the next time you see me.  Thanks.

Well, last night/this morning (how ever you define 3:30 AM), my world came crashing in on me.  Again.  And so it goes for anyone battling chronic depression.

Running is my main anti-depressant.  Since I had the plantar fasciitis in February and then The Plague in May, my running has been weak and sporadic at best.  And then I've got all of the other general malaise junk going on, and it's just really put me in a funk that I keep (unsuccessfully) trying to get out of.

I know there are about a billion worse things that could be going on.  I know that really my life is awesomely amazing and amazingly awesome.  But still, I struggle.

And last night I slipped almost all the way down to the bottom of that struggle.

So, HH decided to stay home from work today.  He got up with the kids, so I could sleep in (I only slept for 3 broken up hours).  Sleep isn't easy for me to come by when I'm dealing with D, so I didn't get much of it this morning, either.  But I did some thinking.

I think one of the blessings of this blog is that it kind of forces me to be open about my depression.  Not something that comes naturally for anyone in that state.  And this allows me to look at it more objectively, which gives me better perspective.

So, I can choose to continue wallowing in it (as I have been for the past few months, off and on), or I can fight to get my happy me back.  This isn't the first time I've been here (probably won't be the last) and I know that it's going to be a very uphill battle.  But I also know that I need to fight back now because the longer I wallow in it, the further down I get, and things are close to getting really ugly.  And I really don't want to go there again.

So, before I got out of bed, I made up my mind to take advantage of having HH home and do everything in my power today to get better.  Or, make preparations for all out war against the D, really.

I went to my chiropractor and let one more person in on my little secret.  He adjusted me (couldn't figure out why I was so tight until I clued him in) and then treated some points specific to depression.  Then we talked about some other supplements to help with my various deficiencies, as discovered in my recent blood test.  And suggested further testing in other areas.

Then I went to JoAnn's and picked up some fabric for a craft that I want to make for some little people who are very special to me.  I know crafting brings me joy--especially, when I making it to give away.  That's right, I fight back with polyester and faux crystal.

Then back home where I kind of stalled out for a couple hours, trying to determine if it (I) was really worth it.  Finally, I resolved again, as I had this morning, to keep fighting.  I sent out a little email inviting my girlfriends to join me for dinner tomorrow night.  Their laughter and conversation has sort of magical powers in fighting off the D.  So, even though a social engagement is almost painful to contemplate right now, I know it's exactly what I need.

I tried to take a nap.  Even though I didn't sleep, it's still important to prove to Sad Me that I'm willing to take care of Real Me.

And then I took Z and we went for a run (after letting her play in the river at the dog run to get good and wet).  It was nearly 100 degrees with the heat index.  Hot and humid.  I was literally functioning on very little sleep.  But the run was exactly what I needed.  It felt so good.  And I felt myself reviving a little.  HH kept telling me not to overdo it before I left, but I had to overdo it.  Just a little.  To make sure that there was more Life than Death in me.  And to remind myself that I'm actually very good at digging deep when the battle gets overwhelming and tough.

And so, on this day where my heart hurt almost too much to bear, that was my Joyful Moment.  That run gave me hope.  Just enough to bring me true Joy.

And for now, that's enough.

I'm so grateful to my HH for taking care of the kids all day, so I could have a break from the incessant whining they've gotten into ever since Sweet P returned from the hospital.  He even made dinner.  It was healthy and delicious.

Thanks, HH.

Wishing you all Joyful Moments that are a trillion times better than this--but at least this much, on your worst of days.

Day 513: Today Stinks

Remember last month when we bought 12 pounds of honey?  Tonight, Baby B somehow managed to spill it and we lost about half that.

This is me cleaning it up.  And telling HH that I'm not in the mood to smile for a picture.

Not my best photo-op.

Not my Joyful Moment.

This was.

Those are homegrown tomatoes and basil leaves on a homemade naan crust.  And I grilled it.  Creating it was exhilarating.  Grilling it was adventurous.  Devouring it was delightful.

And a rare Joyful Moment in this stinkiest of stinky days.

The End.

Wishing you all Joyful Moments and days that don't stink!

Day 512: Fostering Independence

Today was tiring.

Sweet P is still feeling rotten.  In a lot of pain.  And has turned to a bit of a DIVA.  We've made so many accommodations and special arrangements for her, she know expects us to bow to her every whim.  And I hate having to tell her 'no' when I can tell how awful she feels, but she really is getting quite bossy with everyone.

Including Little M.  Who is struggling with his own issues of being the un-diva (?).  He told me today that he wants to have surgery.  Why can't he ever have surgery?!  Because Sweet P gets everything, while he gets nothing.  In his eyes, of course.  In truth, he's been eating Popsicles and Jell-O right along with her.

So, it was a bit of a whine fest at our house today, among other struggles.

Which is why the following was even more appreciated.

This made me laugh out loud.  And I really needed that.

We keep unbreakable dishes fairly low in the kitchen so the kids can reach them by themselves.  Apparently, Baby B figured this out.

And this is what he was doing when I first caught him.  Almost!  Looks like we'll have to employ the lock on the water dispenser in a few inches.

Ah, so cute though.

Wishing you all Joyful Moments that make you laugh out loud!

Day 511: What's In Your Wallet?

Actually, this post is about my purse.  But I like to stick to songs, slogans, and catch phrases for my titles whenever possible.

So, today was rough.  Poor Sweet P was in a ton of pain for the majority of it.  Around early afternoon we finally got on top of it and she started enjoying herself again.  But before that was just awful.

So, HH and I tag-teamed it all day.  We both have obligations at church, fortunately at different times.  So Little M and I went to the first half (poor Little M missed his siblings SO MUCH during Sacrament Meeting--until he discovered that he could have all kind of fun contorting my face into all kinds of crazy positions), then I came home and HH went to his part.  Then he came home and I went back for another meeting after church for those of us who teach the children in Primary (kind of like Sunday School for children ages 4-11).

And my Joyful Moment was taking my non-mommy purse to that meeting.  It had a total of, I think, three things in it.  It was so quick.  So simple.  So light.

And it made me happy.

Wishing you all Joyful Moments that are quick, simple, and light--or at least, two out of the three!

Day 510: Represent

I hope you read that title in the tone of voice of a late 90's rapper.

If not, go back and try again.

That's what this photo does.  It represents the kind of Joyful Moments I had today.

Simple.  Sweet.  The peace that comes from being on this side of things and having my baby girl back home.  And our family all together again.  Finally.

Wishing you all Joyful Moments that truly represent!

Day 509: Oh, Clot.

Wow.  I tell you what, wow.

I could make the story of today a reeeally long post.

But I shan't.

Suffice it to say, we survived.  And I felt a Guiding Hand throughout.  From helping me come up with the perfect distraction to keep her from crying the whole long drive to the hospital early this morning (pretending we were on a 'girls only' trip to Yellowstone) to one of the surgeon's taking a forgotten CT scan right in stride to helping a threatening clot shrink away on its own, rather than becoming a scary situation.  And all sorts of stuff in between.

We had a good day together once we got the worst of it behind us.  They wouldn't let her have her promised popsicles for a while thanks to the nasty clot, but once the main scare was past, she got a double grape popsicle and she really perked up from there on out.  Seeing her finally smile again was definitely a Joyful Moment, but I will feel so much better in a few weeks when we're really on the other side of all of this.

But now, HH is staying at the hospital with her.  I haven't slept well in days and knew that a night at the hospital wouldn't be any more restful.  I worried about driving home safely after yet another night of little sleep.  She's a daddy's girl anyway, so she was happy about the switch.  And Baby B, my little appendage, was delighted to be reunited with me again.  He was happy to see me again at the hospital, but when we got home tonight he was positively thrilled.  He just kept hugging me (he does the adorable 'pat on the back' right now--so cute!) and laughing.

Which made me smile.  For maybe the first time today.  And I felt a layer of stress begin to melt away.  So, that would have to go down as another Joyful Moment.

I guess it became a lengthy post after all.  Just trust me, though, I could have made it much much longer.

Wishing you all Joyful Moments that are just as long as they ought to be!