Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Day 514: I'm A Warrior

So, this is another one of those very raw, personal, and somewhat lengthy posts.  And I'm pretty sure it's a downer.  Feel absolutely no obligation to read it.  But if you do, and you know me, remember to pretend that everything is fine the next time you see me.  Thanks.

Well, last night/this morning (how ever you define 3:30 AM), my world came crashing in on me.  Again.  And so it goes for anyone battling chronic depression.

Running is my main anti-depressant.  Since I had the plantar fasciitis in February and then The Plague in May, my running has been weak and sporadic at best.  And then I've got all of the other general malaise junk going on, and it's just really put me in a funk that I keep (unsuccessfully) trying to get out of.

I know there are about a billion worse things that could be going on.  I know that really my life is awesomely amazing and amazingly awesome.  But still, I struggle.

And last night I slipped almost all the way down to the bottom of that struggle.

So, HH decided to stay home from work today.  He got up with the kids, so I could sleep in (I only slept for 3 broken up hours).  Sleep isn't easy for me to come by when I'm dealing with D, so I didn't get much of it this morning, either.  But I did some thinking.

I think one of the blessings of this blog is that it kind of forces me to be open about my depression.  Not something that comes naturally for anyone in that state.  And this allows me to look at it more objectively, which gives me better perspective.

So, I can choose to continue wallowing in it (as I have been for the past few months, off and on), or I can fight to get my happy me back.  This isn't the first time I've been here (probably won't be the last) and I know that it's going to be a very uphill battle.  But I also know that I need to fight back now because the longer I wallow in it, the further down I get, and things are close to getting really ugly.  And I really don't want to go there again.

So, before I got out of bed, I made up my mind to take advantage of having HH home and do everything in my power today to get better.  Or, make preparations for all out war against the D, really.

I went to my chiropractor and let one more person in on my little secret.  He adjusted me (couldn't figure out why I was so tight until I clued him in) and then treated some points specific to depression.  Then we talked about some other supplements to help with my various deficiencies, as discovered in my recent blood test.  And suggested further testing in other areas.

Then I went to JoAnn's and picked up some fabric for a craft that I want to make for some little people who are very special to me.  I know crafting brings me joy--especially, when I making it to give away.  That's right, I fight back with polyester and faux crystal.

Then back home where I kind of stalled out for a couple hours, trying to determine if it (I) was really worth it.  Finally, I resolved again, as I had this morning, to keep fighting.  I sent out a little email inviting my girlfriends to join me for dinner tomorrow night.  Their laughter and conversation has sort of magical powers in fighting off the D.  So, even though a social engagement is almost painful to contemplate right now, I know it's exactly what I need.

I tried to take a nap.  Even though I didn't sleep, it's still important to prove to Sad Me that I'm willing to take care of Real Me.

And then I took Z and we went for a run (after letting her play in the river at the dog run to get good and wet).  It was nearly 100 degrees with the heat index.  Hot and humid.  I was literally functioning on very little sleep.  But the run was exactly what I needed.  It felt so good.  And I felt myself reviving a little.  HH kept telling me not to overdo it before I left, but I had to overdo it.  Just a little.  To make sure that there was more Life than Death in me.  And to remind myself that I'm actually very good at digging deep when the battle gets overwhelming and tough.

And so, on this day where my heart hurt almost too much to bear, that was my Joyful Moment.  That run gave me hope.  Just enough to bring me true Joy.

And for now, that's enough.

I'm so grateful to my HH for taking care of the kids all day, so I could have a break from the incessant whining they've gotten into ever since Sweet P returned from the hospital.  He even made dinner.  It was healthy and delicious.

Thanks, HH.

Wishing you all Joyful Moments that are a trillion times better than this--but at least this much, on your worst of days.


Nikki said...

Cheryl, thanks for sharing. Depression is not an easy thing to endure (as you well know).


Laura said...

You are probably one of the most amazing warriors I know. Seriously. Hoping your new schedule will bring you exactly what you need. Sending well wishes and prayers your way. Love you.

Linda said...

Thanks for sharing your feelings so sincerely and clearly. You truly are a warrior, and others are succeeding because of what you share. Thanks. I think it's hard and is a sacrifice to reveal things that are so personal. You are helping others fight their own battles. I admire you!

My joyful day was spent with your sister-in-law and cute nieces.