I am beyond exhausted. I mean, just dragging.
And I've been having panic attacks all day. And just in an unmotivated funk. And a little down.
It didn't help that it was kind of a hectic day.
A friend and I have been trying to hang out for a while now, we finally decided to just workout together this afternoon. I had to totally squeeze it in between naps and errands, but I wanted to make it work. So, we did. Only, I was really dragging and had pretty much no motivation. But, still, it was fun to hang out.
It wasn't until after that I realized I had kind of failed in a big way. This is a friend I've felt I can/should be more open with. She asked me, very pointedly, how I was doing. And I told her I was doing great! Actually went on for a little while about how well things are going.
I didn't mean to lie. I really didn't. A part of the problem is that sometimes I just try to "decide" to be in a good mood. And I get a tad overly optimistic and keep insisting that I'm doing really well, even though at the exact same time, I'm feeling down.
Don't ask me how this happens. It just does.
So, when I realized it after, I felt bad. I felt bad for blowing a chance to trust someone and open up a bit. I felt bad for being dishonest--not too bad though, since I really was thinking I was fine and forgetting that on my way to the gym I had been on the phone with HH, freaking out about everything.
But, then again, it did sort of really bother me because honesty is something I've kind of always prided myself on. And just last week, I had to apologize to my therapist for lying to him. Only that time, it was totally intentional. And I knew that he knew I was lying to him. But I did it anyway. It was because he was pushing that subject I didn't want to discuss and I knew that if I lied, he couldn't keep pushing. So I did. And then I called later and told him the truth and that I was sorry. And he said that he already knew, but thanks.
And I felt a little bit like a belligerent teenager.
But, I am a work in progress, folks.
Tonight I made myself put on make up and run the flat iron through my hair so I looked somewhat presentable (still wore my yoga pants, though) and I went to book club. And I allowed myself to let go of all of the negativity and just relax and have fun with my friends and really to feel all of the goodness that entails. I had promised myself I would be open and honest about how I was doing, if anyone asked. They didn't. And that was fine. I think it was just more important that I was willing to be honest.
Instead, we laughed. A lot.
And then I took out my friend's (the hostess) garbage. Just trying to be a productive honeybee.
And I felt a million times better as I drove home.
Maybe a trillion times.