Monday, April 8, 2013

Day 1159: Hi.

Hey.  So, remember how I was all set to be all open and honest and trusting and all of that good stuff?  Well, turns out I was.  But, only as long as it was relatively easy.  Shortly after more last post, things got really bad and I went back to my natural instinct to just shut everyone out and keep everything to myself as much as possible.  So, I did.

Only, this time I knew (even though I tried to fight it) that I was supposed to be open, not closed.  But, I didn't know how.  And I didn't want to.

And it was yucky and scary at times.

Easter was really nice, thankfully.

It's been a whole lot of ups and downs.  And sometimes I wanted to reach out for help, but then I didn't.  For a lot of different reasons.  I kept thinking about posting, but it was kind of overwhelming.  My mind has been in overdrive and there is way too much to catch up on.

This weekend was General Conference.  It was really really nice.  I especially appreciated the message from President Uchtdorf, about God's light illuminating the way out of darkness.  You can read a summary of it here.  And the message from Elder Holland about exercising my faith, no matter how small it seems, based on one of my favorite scriptural accounts in St. Mark 9: 14-24.

And so, I'm trying.


Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting this. I know how you feel, I am in a place where I am shutting everyone in my life out right now. I try to reach out and then pull back at the last second because something inside of me tells me if I let others in either a)I will lose control of everything or b)people will think I'm just crazy! That is why I am commenting anonymously, then you won't know who I am! Thanks for helping me see I'm not the only one that does this! And, maybe one day we will both have the ability to just let people in!

Cheryl said...

Anonymous--Thanks for commenting. I got on my computer to send an email that I'm feeling really strongly I need to send, reaching out to a friend, but I'm sort of completely terrified about it. So, thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone in feeling this way Somehow that's giving me a little more courage. Good luck to you, too!