Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Day 1176: Assert Yourself

I am capable of being assertive, but it is not something that comes naturally to me.  I typically have to kind of psych myself up and then rehearse everything inside my head two, or three, or fifty times to gather up my nerve.

But today, I was assertive in therapy.  It went like this--"I'm going to be open about this, but can you just hold back on all the pushy questions?"

BAM.  That was powerful, I know.  But, it worked.  He totally held back--something I did not think he would actually do.

And then it launched this whole discussion about how maybe we need to re-vamp my therapy.  Because maybe all of the anxiety I experience leading up to each appointment is contributing to the crashes I've been having.  Because lately, they all seem to happen right before an appointment.

So, I've been doing a lot of processing and journaling about the matter all day.  I will spare you all of that.  I just want to say that this has been a surprisingly freeing shift.  I feel a lot better about my future therapy and my therapist, too.  Which is not to say I thought ill of him--clearly he has been quite helpful.  But, I hadn't realized before that I felt so much stress about being "forced" to discuss things that are really dark and difficult to talk about.  But, I also thought that was necessary.  So, the possibility that it isn't, combined with a new feeling of control is great.

I had a good afternoon getting caught up on several tasks that I've been putting off.  So, tonight I'm just feeling good.

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