I am capable of being assertive, but it is not something that comes naturally to me. I typically have to kind of psych myself up and then rehearse everything inside my head two, or three, or fifty times to gather up my nerve.
But today, I was assertive in therapy. It went like this--"I'm going to be open about this, but can you just hold back on all the pushy questions?"
BAM. That was powerful, I know. But, it worked. He totally held back--something I did not think he would actually do.
And then it launched this whole discussion about how maybe we need to re-vamp my therapy. Because maybe all of the anxiety I experience leading up to each appointment is contributing to the crashes I've been having. Because lately, they all seem to happen right before an appointment.
So, I've been doing a lot of processing and journaling about the matter all day. I will spare you all of that. I just want to say that this has been a surprisingly freeing shift. I feel a lot better about my future therapy and my therapist, too. Which is not to say I thought ill of him--clearly he has been quite helpful. But, I hadn't realized before that I felt so much stress about being "forced" to discuss things that are really dark and difficult to talk about. But, I also thought that was necessary. So, the possibility that it isn't, combined with a new feeling of control is great.
I had a good afternoon getting caught up on several tasks that I've been putting off. So, tonight I'm just feeling good.