Day 1196: Too Much, Too Many

I really wish I had the time to be posting every day/night!  So many things have been happening.  A lot of it has been challenging, difficult, and even painful.

But, a lot of good has come from it all.

HH and I continue to learn and grow and strengthen our bond as we struggle through our trials together.  Baby B is *mostly* potty trained.  I had a really great conversation with someone I love and was able to strengthen the bond there.  The kids have been making me a little crazy with their constant presence, but there have been a lot of really fun moments and great teaching opportunities.

And amidst it all, I decided I really needed to pray for humility.

I know everyone says not to do that.  Because then the trials come.

But, I reached a point where I knew that that was what I truly needed.  Funny how someone who frequently struggles with issues of self-worth can also struggle with pride.  At least, that's what I was thinking.  But, after a trying week, with building heartache, I woke up yesterday morning finally understanding it all a bit better.

It doesn't matter what other people think about me.  What matters is that Heavenly Father loves me.  And humility involves coming to know and understand that love and to love myself accordingly.  Because then the need to compete with everyone else around me melts away.  I can stop feeling inferior to so many people because I can see that our Father in Heaven loves us each equally.  Just as I love my children.  Although, the love and relationship I have with each of my children is individual and unique, I could not point to one and say, "I love this one most, or even more."  Different, but the same.  And I think that is how God sees each of us.  And that love is the only thing I need to trust in.  So, if I'm not inferior to anyone else, I don't need to try and be superior to anyone else, either.

• That understanding brought so much peace after a particularly painful weekend.  And that gave me the ability to get through yesterday.  Darling A's first birthday--A day I've been dreading for several months now because it somehow marks the end of her infancy for me.  A fact that I am somewhat devastated about.
• Father's Day--not really anything inherently bad here.  A great opportunity to celebrate the wonderful man I married.  Just a little stressful trying to make the day extra special for him and feeling like I just kept hitting the wrong mark with all of my attempts.
• Speaking in church--Initially crazy stressful.  This was a big part of why I was striving so hard for humility.  Anytime I get asked to speak (thankfully, not that often), I want to say something amazing so people look at me and think, "Wow.  She is SO spiritual."  Yes, I get the irony and inappropriateness of this state of mind.  Fortunately, the prayer for humility was answered and the talk I gave seemed to flow right off my tongue--leaving me with no doubt as to where the source of anything inspirational I might have said came from (i.e. not me).
• Conducting the music--This continues to get less stressful, but it was a little awkward spending SO much time in front of the congregation yesterday.
• Playing piano for the Primary children--It was just the prelude and postlude.  When everyone is chatting and trying to get settled and really not paying any attention to the pianist.  But, I was still stressed preparing for it.  I haven't had the chance to play in a long time (until practicing on Saturday) and my skills are quite rusty.  I ended up only playing the first prelude before being replace by much more capable hands, so it really wasn't a big deal.  But, the initial stress was already felt and lived through by then.

Fortunately, the whole day went really well.  Except that Darling A became increasingly sick.  We still managed to get a bunch of sweet pictures of her.  Including this one.

There is so much more to be said, but it's late and I have an early morning followed by a crazy busy day, so I'll have end here.