Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Day 1200: One Of Those


Today was a little bit nutso.

The crazies actually started last night.  I was already super stressed about all that was going on today and then Little M had one of those nights.  And it involved waking (and keeping) us up all night.

Who needs sleep, right?

So, it was rough getting up and dragging myself to the swimming pool this morning.  After a bit of a slow start, I had a nice swim.  And I'm learning to really appreciate my workout time even more these days.  Now that school is out, it is the only time I get to be alone.

And sometimes I just really need to be alone to think, you know?

Anyway, I got home and the craziness began.  Or, continued.  Just a super hectic morning and then an appointment with my new chiropractor.  Have I told you about him?  I met him after my 10 K a couple of weeks ago.  He's kind of a chiropractor/physical therapist.  So, he's teaching me all of these exercises and stretches to do to actually strengthen the areas where I keep getting injured, in addition to helping me recover faster from my daily workouts.  I'm pretty pumped about it.

But, this morning, he was running behind.  Which wouldn't have been that big of a deal except that I had scheduled my appointment with him for just before my appointment with my counselor.  So, the chiropractic appointment was kind of rushed and then I was late to my therapy appointment.  It's always a great feeling to know someone else is waiting on you.

Oh, wait.  It actually isn't.

But, he was really understanding and actually just sympathized with the stress this caused.  That's the nice thing about having a therapist--they always have to be so supportive. :)  And actually, this session was a really good one.  In part, because he helped me realize that I've come up with some new coping techniques all on my own that are really helping me a lot.

Because the past couple of weeks have been crazy busy and stressful.  And I'm still doing okay.  I mean, I've had my moments and plenty of mini-breakdowns.  But, I've started taking a little time out away from everyone to re-group.  When I re-enter reality again, I'm okay.  Maybe not great, but I'm not in an out-of-control downward spiral.  And even though I still live with this paranoia that I'm really just one bad day/moment/comment/etc. away from a total breakdown, I am making progress.

So much so, that HH actually commented on it the other night, out of the blue.  And I really really really needed that.  Sometimes I just start to doubt this entire journey, so hearing (unsolicited) from an outside (but very near to the inside) source that I've made marked improvement was beyond reassuring.

And the truth is, I hadn't even really realized what I'd been doing with taking my little timeouts.  It was only after I explained to my therapist what the past couple of weeks and then this morning itself have been like that he pointed out to me what I'd been doing.

Which again leads me to ask, "When am I going to know myself and not need someone else to help explain me to me?"

Ah, well... it's okay.  The truth is, I'm really grateful that our paths crossed because he has helped me make changes and learn things and helped create all sorts of benefits to my life that will continue long after we part ways.  And it's in been in so many areas that I never expected and sometimes didn't even think needed help.

That being said, usually I leave therapy feeling sick and sometimes a little down after having re-visited so many of the uncomfortable parts of me and my life.  But, today I felt really great.  A little stressed about one of my homework assignments, but I knew it was something I needed to do.  And I did and it's made a huge difference, just like they all have.

I couldn't believe the night and day contrast between how I felt this morning and how I felt as the afternoon wore on.

But, of course, being the somewhat crazy person that I am, I ended the evening feeling a little bit down again.  I went to dinner with my friends and had a great time, but was reminded again that I really do struggle to connect as I watch the different relationships they have with each other and I find myself feeling a bit like I'm missing something.  Some day... some day I hope I can get over my fears and insecurities and issues enough to be able to connect like that.  For now, I'm grateful to have great friends who accept me the way I am and without judgement.

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