Day 1113: What Happened?

Something happened Tuesday morning.  I'm really not sure what.  I've been feeling a bit on edge lately and HH and I had a phone conversation that was not the best, but it still doesn't make sense.  I just took a steep nose dive way down into the depression.

I've spent the last few days trying to figure out what caused it, so I can combat it and come back out of it.  But, it's just not happening.

It's sad and frustrating.  And yucky.

And I just want to know why!  I mean, with the depression, I always seem to get sad more quickly and to a greater extent that circumstances justify, but there is always a trigger.  Or, several triggers.  I'm not saying my life is anywhere near perfect right now, but given how well I had been doing, I'm just stunned at how bad things are right now.

Although, they've gotten a little better since Tuesday.  Which is nice, because on Tuesday I didn't feel like I could face anyone.  After being so well for so long, it feels a lot harder to fake the happy face, especially with my friends.

And I feel like I know what it's going to take to get back to being well again.  I feel quite strongly that I'm supposed to go back to the beginning and start the whole process over again.  Read through my journal entries and re-trace my steps.

And for some reason, I'm super reluctant to do this.  It feels like going backwards.

But, I guess I've already made the trip backwards and this might be the only way to move forward again.

On the upside, we had Parent Teacher Conferences tonight.  First, was Little M's.  Pretty much good news.  Not to brag, but the kid is really smart.  But, his teacher has run into the same struggle that I have been having with him lately about violin and pretty much every other challenge in his life--he doesn't want to put in the effort.  So many things have come easily for him that he just doesn't even want to deal with the things that don't.  So, I gave her the advice I keep giving myself:  Help him connect the dots.  He has big dreams.  He has to see that this challenge here has to be faced in order for him to get to where he wants to go.  And then I remind him that plenty of things he can do easily now were once hard.  The more you practice and work at something, the easier it gets.

Reading that now, I'm seeing that that is a conversation I need to have with myself as well.

What can I say?  It's good advice.

Then on to Sweet P's.  Wow.  Her teacher loves her.  Which I'm super grateful for.  She recognizes the effort Sweet P puts into every assignment.  And she thinks she's wonderful.  Which, of course, she is.  But, she is terrified of not being wonderful and perfect and smart and all that.  So, the conversation with her teacher was me expressing my concern about Sweet P's fear of failure.  If she misses one word, or one answer, it's kind of crushing for her.  They want to test her for the gifted program.  A couple years ago, I was in shock (and a little bugged) that they hadn't done this yet.  But now, I'm kind of reluctant and worried about it.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not at all concerned about how she'll score on the test.  I'm just worried about what it will do to her perception of what I, her teachers, and everyone else expects from her.

And I don't want her to have the pass-or-fail issues I have.

Ever since she was tiny, she has had this insatiable thirst for learning.  She wanted to know about everything.  She wanted to learn her numbers and her letters, so she could use them to read and learn more.  I just don't want her to get too caught up in getting the "right" answer every time, so that learning becomes stressful and not something she just loves.

All-in-all though, it was a fun evening.  I'm glad there aren't any serious issues, that my kids are doing well, and that they're liked by their teachers.  And I had Darling A with me who just kept giggling at random points during both meetings and melting the hearts of both teachers.

She has that effect on pretty much everyone she meets.