That's where I am. I've felt all of those thoughts and feelings that I experienced yesterday plenty of times, but not like that. I told my therapist that going there always makes me fall apart for a few days, at least. But, I still knew it was what needed to happen. I didn't really realize that I'd be at a total loss for how to put myself back together.
And, as always, sleep has been scarce. Baby B got me up needing my help and we're sleep training Darling A for the third (yes, THIRD!) time. Except, that it's not the same way we normally do, she has some serious side effects still from the super strong antibiotic she's on, so I have to keep going in a checking on her. I wish that helped her, but it only seems to make her more upset. So, it's sad and stressful and exhausting.
So, on the Deeper Issues front, I'm sort of a wreck.
But, I've had years and years of practice at sweeping it under the rug and faking a happy face until I can sort of forget all of the yucky stuff--at least for a little while. So, today wasn't totally awful. In fact, a part of me wonders if delving into the deep yuckiness was really worth it. But, I know that I need to confront all of the negativity lying there and fully debunk it in order to experience the happiness and peace I had during November and December of last year.
Tonight I went to a meeting at my church and was taught by an awesome friend some tips and strategies on better parenting. It was good for me to get out (with my sweet Darling A) and I'm optimistic that the tips and strategies will help.