Day 1127: Going There

I had another appointment today.  Funny how I keep thinking I'm just about done... and then learning that I'm anything but.

I can't remember if I shared it here, or not (sorry for the erratic posting!), but I realized shortly before HH's surgery that I had pretty much gone back to where I began.  So, today's appointment was rough.  When I started going to therapy, I was too guarded to really share the big stuff with my therapist.  And it was okay because we were able to talk about things just enough that he would assign an effective "homework" assignment and then I would do it and still be able to work through things as needed.  And then, I always managed to be "okay" when I had my later appointments.  It's a lot easier for me to talk about stuff when it's int he past tense, i.e., "I was really depressed, but now I'm okay."--so, there is no need to look at me with concern, or try to figure out what to say to help me, or anything else.

But today, I acknowledged to him that I really wasn't okay.  Even though, on some level, I am.  The weekend really helped pick me up from how bad things were last week.  Things are really good between HH and I and having that foundation is always huge.  But, I can tell I'm back to how I was before beginning the therapy which means, I will be fine for a while and then I'll hit a rough patch and all it will take is one thing to send me spiraling back down.  Which is how I've lived for the past several years.

It can be functional, but the progress I made from this therapy showed me that there is more.  That I can have a better life.

So, I opened up a bit today.  The therapist was kind of pleased.  But, we also acknowledged that I really wasn't opening up completely.  There is a level I don't share with anyone.

And that is the level I have to face in order to move forward.

So, that is what I tried to do today.  It always leaves me feeling a little broken when I go there.  And I've never really forced it in the way I did today.  So, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next.

Right now I just feel kind of crummy.

Ah.  Hooray for the process, right?