Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Day 1118: It Is Time

This morning while I was reading my scriptures, I felt very strongly that my time of moping is over.  The message was pretty clear:  I've been given plenty of new tools and it's time I used them and got over this recent slump (I realized later in the morning that I've been in denial about it, but I've pretty much been depressed since shortly after I got sick last month), and got on with my life.  I was justified in having my depression as an excuse in the past, but the message this morning was that that is no longer applicable.  More is expected of me now.

I'll be honest, that felt (still kind of does) pretty overwhelming.  As much as I hate the depression, it's what I'm used to.  It's what I know.  It's what I do.

But, now it's time to learn a new normal and get used to something different.  Something better.  Something more.

And today I have felt a little schizophrenic as I've had this internal battle between the Old Me and the New Me.  I've tried to just will myself to get over this, but with no lasting success.  I was still harboring the guilt of yesterday's missteps.  And I realized this morning that maybe I hadn't gone basic enough when I'd gone back to the beginning of my process.  I'd forgotten that first, crucial step--which is to recognize and believe that I have value.  It's okay that I made some mistakes yesterday.  This is a process.  I don't have to be perfect.  And (hopefully) no one is really expecting me to be.

So, today has been a challenge.  I have no doubt that tomorrow will be one too.  HH is having shoulder surgery.  I'm worried.  I'm worried for him and I'm worried for me.  The recovery promises to be a long one, which will definitely take its toll on both of us.

But, we'll be okay.  It's a process and we're in it together.

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