Thursday, February 14, 2013

Day 1120: When It Rains...

So, this morning started off bright and early.  Instead of my usual peaceful, rejuvenating scripture study going on, however, it involved all of my kiddos wide awake.  Why?

I don't know.

It's not like it was one of those days where I could have really used that quiet, peaceful time, or anything.

But, we made it through the morning rush, then I came home to get the house all in order so that when I brought HH home, he'd see that I can totally handle all of this on my own, so he wouldn't feel bad, or worried.  And then it was time to go get him.

And so on the way, of course, I got two texts.  One from a friend with a sick daughter, needing some help with essential oils.  One from a new friend with an injured son, needing information about urgent care.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to schedule physical therapy appointments for HH and trying to figure out how he is going to ever be able to go back to work and also just how much this is going to affect our daily routine, as I will be driving him back and forth and wondering how I'll be entertaining a toddler and a baby for every 45 minute appointment!

Then came time to actually take him home.  Getting him in the car was challenging enough.  I'd already been concerned about bringing him home, feeling unqualified to take care of him.  We had to make a couple stops on the way home and Darling A was screaming mad after the first.  I had left him in the car with her and Baby B, not thinking through the fact that he could do absolutely nothing for her in the event of a problem.  Partly because she so rarely has a problem with anything.

She's been a little congested and not sleeping great the past few nights and she woke up this morning with a bunch of goo in her eye, so we decided to swing by the chiropractor real quick for a treatment.  She cried a lot, which I always take as an indication of being in need of the treatment.  Then we headed back out and made one last stop at Target to pick up HH's prescriptions.

In between this and then getting home and getting HH settled, I got in touch with my friends and did my best to help, finding the timing of it all really odd.  People never text me needing my help!

And HH needed a lot of help when we first got home.  It's scary taking care of him.  He and I are both paranoid that I'll accidentally hurt him.  I don't know what I'm doing.  I know in a few days, or so, it will all be routine and it won't be so scary and challenging, but right now, it is.

Darling A had cried herself to sleep by the time we got home.  I was thinking maybe her being sick was a blessing in disguise because maybe she'd sleep all day, so I could be a better help to HH.  And maybe to some degree, that was true, but she woke up just as I was finally getting him settled after taking off his brace, shirt, and dressing, replacing bandaids, finding a more suitable shirt, replacing the brace, gathering ice pack, headphones, iphone, drinks, medicines, glasses, and arranging a little station where they all could be within reach for him.  So, I left him to nap and went to take care of her and Baby B.

Eventually, I got both of them down for a nap and headed downstairs to go through email and then maybe relax for a bit.  Only to be summoned back upstairs by HH.  He'd fallen asleep and we'd missed the time for his next dose of pain killers.  Home for just a couple hours and I was already doing a lousy job as his caregiver.

The rest of the day was pretty much back and forth between him and Darling A, who would only sleep in my arms and was quite sad and fussy.  Baby B is getting increasingly frustrated, as is normal for a toddler who's life is all out of whack suddenly.  Little M and Sweet P were troopers, for the most part, thank goodness.  They didn't even complain when I fell asleep during violin practice with a sleeping Darling A on one side of my lap and a sad Baby B on the other side--he had choked on a piece of Valentine's candy, but (thankfully) gagged it back up--gross, but much better than the alternative.

Last night, a fabulous friend brought by dinner for tonight.  At the time, I was mostly just ever so grateful for the sentiment behind it.  I was sure today would be just fine and that I'd have plenty of time to make dinner while everyone napped.  Oh, how grateful I was that I didn't have to add that to my never ending task list today!  It was enough of a challenge just to get it all on the table with a sad Darling A in my arms the whole time.

So, finally, we sat down to dinner and HH and I realized that it was going to be a very miserable night, so we agreed that I needed to take Darling A to urgent care tonight.  So, with great trepidation, I left HH home alone with the other three (I was slightly terrified that Baby B would go in and injure him, so I locked the door to his room on my way out) watching a movie.  They were thrilled.

Turns out Darling A just has acute bronchitis.  Nothing too serious.  But, she had a fever of 102 and was just miserable as could be.  Ah, there goes the gym for the third morning in a row.  And brunch with some friends.

And now, she's fussing again, so I guess it's time for me to stop complaining.

I'm very frustrated with myself.  I wanted to handle this whole situation with grace.  Instead, I've been like an indignant child, stomping my foot and whining, "Why do I always have to do everything?  It's not fair!"  And I'm not sure if being aware of that, but still kind of maintaining that attitude redeems me at all, or only makes it worse.

I know I'm not really doing everything.  I know things could be much worse.  I know I have a lot to be grateful for.  I know things will be much better in a few days.  Maybe even tomorrow.  And I know I'll be okay.  I am okay.  For the most part.  I just want to be totally okay.  Taking care of HH with total kindness and compassion.  I want our home to be peaceful, so he doesn't feel guilty watching me deal with crazy children, while he looks on helpless to jump in and help out.  I don't want to feel ornery and whiny.  And yucky.

HH keeps apologizing and I feel so bad that he feels bad.  I don't want him to!  He was super thoughtful and even ordered flowers to be delivered to me this afternoon.

Oh, well.  Happy Valentine's Day.


Lisa Carlson said...

Cheryl, I totally empathize with you. Scott spent a couple days in the hospital last summer, and had surgery 2 different times. In all, he was in bed for about 2 months. I thought that it shouldn't be a big deal for me to handle things without him, but it was the hardest thing I've ever done, especially the first few days after coming home, and after each surgery when he needed so much and the kids needed so much, and I felt like a crazy person. I wish I lived nearby and could take your kids for the day and make you dinner, but since I can't, I'll keep you in my prayers. And tell you to not be so hard on yourself. What your going through right now is really hard, but you'll get through it and then you can worry about being strong and put together again. Love you.

Cheryl said...

Thanks Lisa. I needed that.