Monday, November 26, 2012

Day 1051: To Look A Lot Like Christmas

I had another appointment this morning.

It was a little exciting.  First, after relating to him a couple of this past week's events, he joked that I should teach his next Marriage/Relationship seminar.  Nice.  And then we talked about setting goals.  Goals that, once achieved, will signal the end of my therapy.  Woohoo!

Here they are:

1.  More good days than bad days (this is the main one)

2.  Disciplining with Love more often than not

3.  Resolving conflict with HH in a considerate and productive way (we did that this past week)

4.  Becoming a better friend

Nothing that should surprise anyone who reads this, as those are things I've been striving for for a while.

Then I went home.  On the way, I began to put all sorts of details together.  The first being that those four goals fit perfectly with the quality I've been feeling ought to be my theme for the upcoming year:  Kindness.

It's no surprise to me that that all fit together perfectly.  I've been feeling a lot of that lately.

In fact, after we came home, I sat down to put some thoughts to paper in my Therapy Journal, and I began to recognize so many different experiences that prepared me to be able to apply the things I'm learning in therapy and to make rapid progress.  Way too many to detail here.  Suffice it to say it's been going on for several years.  Preparing me for all of this.

But, for a brief moment I had spiritual clarity.  And for at least a small moment, I felt like I had it all figured out.  That person I've always wanted to be (but for so long thought was impossible to become) seems within reach.  Not right away, but still, it's nice to feel that it's possible.  I've spent almost a third of my life wanting to go back to my 17-year-old self, thinking she had it all figured out.  But, I realized that, even though she had a lot figured out, she didn't have all of the experience and perspective that I've gained because of the depression.  And I saw for a moment how all of the different pieces of my life fit together to make a beautiful picture.

I tried to write it all down.  But, the trouble with things of that nature (for me, at least) is that it is difficult to get feelings and impressions adequately expressed through words.  And that's okay.  At least I can remember the peace and hope of that one fleeting moment and now have the empowering knowledge that this burden that I thought was holding me back was in fact adding to my foundation to build a beautiful, better me upon.

It was pretty neat.

This evening we decorated the Christmas tree.

I took a few less-than-great photos in the beginning and then forgot.  But, it was because we were having fun, so I'm okay with that.  The tree looks great.  I only had to fix 3 broken ornaments.  We updated the tree skirt for this year.  And I made rice krispie treats for HH because he loves them and I love him.


Belkycita said...

Funny thing, I've thought the same way, "If I could only be my 17 year old self. I think 15-18 were some of my best years. But even then when I felt so sure of myself and felt like I could do anything I wanted, I didn't have the perspective that I have now.
Even when this times hit me, I realize that I am a better mother after I struggle, because I have to consciously work on being "nice" and it's the same with my husband and other friendships.
The fact that I'm not in tune makes me stop and consciously try to be in tune and that awareness to me is very valuable.
p.s. doing much better, I think I hit low point when I was babysitting three other kids in our home for 10 days.

Linda said...

Interesting that my focus is the same as yours; kindness. Thanks for sharing all this, Cheryl. I love you and appreciate you.

Cheryl said...

Belky--I wish you lived closer. Funny (and sad) how similar I think our lives and thoughts have been through all of this! I think we could help each other out. And I would go crazy watching 3 other kids for 10 days, so way to go!

Mom--Well, a conversation with you about kindness helped me solidify what was already mulling around my brain, so thanks! Love you too!