Monday, March 25, 2013

Day 1154: Little Talks

So, I had another therapy appointment today.  And it was really good.  Which is kind of crazy.  But exciting, too.  It's kind of hard to explain.  We discussed my difficulty connecting with anyone more.  And as we were talking, even though I had told him the complete opposite last time we talked, I remembered multiple instances where I had been deeply hurt and disappointed by different people.  And I remembered how strongly it had affected me each time.  But, it was so long ago, and the circumstances seem so silly in retrospect, I had forgotten that I had made up my mind at the time to just stop relying on other people.  And I had no idea it had perpetuated so long and so deep.

Kinda sounds like your stereotypical psychoanalyzing, right?  It all stems from some traumatic event during my adolescence.  Ha.  So, it kind of makes me feel silly to share it.  But, it is true.

We got into a bunch of other stuff, too.  I'm starting to figure out what makes me tick.  It still kind of bugs me that I can't always figure myself out.  And then, even when I do, that I can't automatically make myself change to believing what I know I should believe.  If that makes sense...

Anyway, as I drove home and thought and processed more of all of this, I realized that there are at least a few people that I do need to talk to directly about my issues.  So, I had one of these chats with one of my good friends today.  I'm not going to lie--it was totally awkward.  At least, for me.  She seemed just totally ready to help in whatever way she could.  Which is why she's so awesome.  I still just felt awkward.  I hate talking about "real" stuff with my friends, apparently.  But, as soon as it was out, things were immediately much better.

I've always thought of myself as a super honest person.  But, I am seeing now that, in my own way, I've been living this huge lie.  And as I'm forcing myself to be more honest with myself, in therapy, and with those closest to me it's making this huge difference.

I've felt so much... lighter?  I don't know for sure the best word to use here, but I think that fits as well as anything.  I've just felt better today.  Things were easier to bear.  Joy was easier to recognize.   So, I know I'm definitely on the right track.  Just no idea how long I'll have to be on it before all of this will come natural and I won't have to have someone else help me figure these things out and it won't be so hard to fix them as I do figure it out.

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