This is going to be another brutally honest post.
So, just a reminder to those of you who actually know me:
If you're reading this, please act normal around me when you see me. I've found that faking happiness is the quickest way for me to find it for real again. But, if you treat me like I'm as broken as I feel, it's really hard to fake it. So, please, no phone calls or emails or other expressions of concern. I know these intentions mean well, but right now, I just can't deal with any of that. So, though I appreciate the love and kindness that inspires these acts, I would like it if you just act like I'm fine and normal. Because that's what I'm trying to do and be.
That being said, recently we've had our own version of a series of unfortunate events around here. All made worse by the fact that I'm pregnant and already struggling. It's gotten me pretty down and low. I haven't shared much of it here because the point of this blog isn't to be a downer for everyone. Kind of the opposite.
And I also am aware that I live a very blessed life. And even I get sick of it when I post that I had other "rough day", or whatever. Really, my problems are quite small and insignificant. The things that I get all upset, worked up, and depressed over are minor and fleeting. And I know plenty of people dealing with much much more.
But the problem is, these days, there is a constant battle going on inside of me. Optimism vs. Depression. And I find the Depression winning out more and more frequently. Set off by really little things that don't justify how sad and upset I feel. But even being aware of that doesn't change it.
And the problem with dealing with a series of unfortunate events is that I haven't really had time to fully regain high ground before the next unfortunate event comes and knocks me down again.
Why am I explaining all of this here? Well, when I sit down to post my Joyful Moment each night, I review my day. Some days there was a really standout Joyful Moment and I already am pretty sure what I will post. Some days there are several great Joyful Moments and I try to decide which, or how many to post. And some days the Joyful Moments were few and far between and take a little longer to remember.
And then there are days that are just rotten.
The good news is, I've been doing this blog long enough that I seem to be in the habit of finding Joyful Moments. Even on the worst of days, there is always at least one small thing that I recognize as joy.
But on the truly rotten days, it kind of hurts too much to reflect over the whole day. Even though I know I'll be able to think of a Joyful Moment, I'd just rather not review and remember all of the horrible moments as well.
Usually, I just do it anyway.
This is a challenge I've given myself to do this blog and one that I hope will benefit others. I feel that I need to stick with it to be true to myself.
But, the past few days I've been contemplating giving it up, for a variety of reasons.
I know I'd regret that, though. So, I'm sticking with it.
But I'm giving myself permission to kind of skip the last couple of days. Not because they were the worst, but because it's what I need right now.
Instead, I'll share with you a couple things that have given me Joyful Moments and continue to do so, without actually having occurred on a specific day.
The first is that my complexion seems to be weathering this pregnancy very well. The first three pregnancies, I broke out horribly all over my face, neck, and chest and felt embarrassed to be out in public every day. It started to get bad a couple of months ago, but I used thyme and lavender essential oils along with a toner made from organic apple cider vinegar and water. In addition to my normal face cleansing routine.
And it's almost completely cleared up. And finally being able to feel pretty while being pregnant is pretty much a daily source of Joyful Moments for me. Maybe this sounds really shallow, but dealing with acne at my age--along with the loss of my figure!--was a huge struggle in my previous pregnancies.
The second Joyful Moment is having settled on a name for Darling A (not this one, but her real one) with HH. We've never chosen a name this early in the pregnancy. And the decision has never been made without several discussions (some becoming a little heated) during which we pretty much just cross each other's name suggestions off.
I felt pretty strongly about who this baby should be named after, but wanted to pick a variation on that individual's name. We did the same thing with Baby B. I like it because they still have the connection to that person, but a name all their own as well. Anyway, I mentioned it kind of off-handed to HH, telling him he didn't have to decide right away. And a couple of weeks ago, he told me he liked it. And the name feels so right to me. And I'm just so happy to have it all settled and taken care of.
And the last Joyful Moment is HH himself. No matter how bad things get, he just continues to rise to the challenge of taking care of me. We've struggled some in the past as his natural tendency for "fixing" my depression actually has the opposite effect. But he has questioned me on how to best help me and has really taken my words to heart.
He has been so amazing. His capacity to give seems endless. I have long since grown weary of my being this way and I keep waiting for him to just throw his hands up and give up. But he doesn't. He just keeps on giving and being amazing.
To the point that my only complaint is that he's so generous and giving that I frequently struggle with feeling guilty for all the extra work and effort he's taken on just to get me through each day. But even in the face of all that guilt, I know I couldn't be fighting this battle at all without him and all he's doing. He tries to assuage the guilt by telling me that some day he will be the one in need and I will get to repay him by taking care of him. But I don't know that I could ever be as strong and amazing as he is.
So, for now, I'm just trying to let go of the guilt and appreciate him for the amazing gift he is in my life.
I love you, HH.
Wishing you all Joyful Moments on days that are fun to look back on!